Lapses, relapse and does all sober time count?

rain

I’m feeling really low because after being sober for well over 100 days I drank again last Saturday. The wind is out of my sails. My momentum has fallen flat on its face. My little gorgeous pink cloud has turned into a shitty little rain cloud that is just floating above me and no one else.

All of this counting malarkey is driving me nuts. What’s the deal with the ‘consecutive day’ dogmatic thing? This is making it harder for me and must be for other people too.

I have been drinking most of my adult life. I think with any massive change its to be expected that there will be a couple of bumps in the road. I know alcohol isn’t doing me any favours but it has been my coping mechanism for the best part of 23 odd years.

It’s to be expected that I reached for it in a time of intense turmoil. I learned from last weekend that it doesn’t help and all it does it delays the pain till the following day.

This is one of the things that used to get me back into drinking. I’d get some sober time under my belt then I would lapse. I’d think fuck it, this is too damn hard and besides I was never that bad.

This time around I don’t have the luxury of the second part of the sentence to allow me to continue to drink and make it a full blown relapse. I know I WAS that bad and drinking again is not an option. Besides I don’t want to drink again. I’ve had a couple of fleeting cravings my I think that was the alcohol leaving my system.

Annie Grace has a video on this exact topic and it has helped me not to go down the self loathing path.

Instead I choose to follow the route of percentages!

So, I made the decision to quit on the 27th of May this year.

I had 3 lapses which puts me at a 70% success rate! I think that’s progress and just by writing this I am feeling better already.

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22 thoughts on “Lapses, relapse and does all sober time count?

  1. You are doing SO great! I am SO PROUD of you!! You have such a great way of looking at it, and you have moved right on past that Saturday without continuing to drink, way to go! That’s so awesome! 😀
    I think that we all do whatever we can to keep on moving towards continuous sobriety. I keep track of the days because for me it is a continuous mental battle of “no one would know” if I didn’t. I started counting the days right from the beginning 63 days ago and it serves as a reminder to me every time I take note of my current day count how easy it is for me to relapse. Hope you had a great weekend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you dearest! I know the aim is total abstinence and that is most definitly my aim too. Its good to keep track of the days because it does measure progress but lapsing doesnt neggate all the progress you made if you lapse. You’ve still made ‘sober strides’. I have to look at it that way otherwise I might as well go live in cave and drown myself in a vat of wine:) xxxx

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  2. I’m not sure about the dogma, that must be an AA thing?? I don’t do AA or any other religion as I am not a fan of the dogma. The only rule about sobriety is “don’t drink”. Day counting is a tool that works for some people, but it can be anxiety-inducing in others. Personally, I had a drink a or two the first 2 months of my sobriety and I just kept counting. I was like, THAT DIDN’T MATTER. That didn’t derail me or change my long term goals.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes I suppose it is an AA thing. You are so right, it didn’t matter because it was a slip and your resolve was still to abstain from putting a highly addictive poison in your body. I agree with that totally. Won’t want to dwell on it because it gives it more power than is worth. In the words of my favourite blue fish: “Just keep swimmming”

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I think the guilt or sense of failure is what kept me in the mindset of going all out after I had “relapsed.” But really, relapse is the wrong word to me. What happened was that, sometimes under enormous pressure and heartbreak, sometimes not, I drank. And that was it. As long as I could right the ship, I was fine. And I learned what to look out for the next time around. But if I used it as an excuse to drink as much as possible before I quit again, then I was in trouble. And it was that counting mentality that made me decide that I had to drink a lot before starting another day 1, because that one would be forever, of course. I was in that mindset for decades! I now believe that every sober day is like a pearl added to a necklace. We don’t have to give them all back because we had a few drinks. We are still much further on the path to sobriety than before.
    I’m so glad you’re sticking with it. You are worth it!
    xoxo,
    Shawna

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes to all of that, it sounds so very familiar:) As long as you don’t carry on drinking after the event you are ok.

      I love the pearl necklace analogy too, every sober day is a gift of time and consciousness that we shouldn’t take for granted.

      I have to stick with it Shawna, I don’t have the option to skulk back into hiding between other heavy drinkers anymore. I’m reminded of the song ‘Nowhere to run’ by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, that is a blast from the past. ; )
        I’m in the same boat. I have to make this work. The stakes are too high at this point, and I am FINALLY ready to commit to a different kind of life, regardless of the cost. And I’ve found I can’t “unknow” this, so drinking is robbed of its fun anyway. I always feel like I am cheating on myself in the long run. I’m so glad you’re hanging in there too. ; )

        Liked by 1 person

    • I like that, progress not perfection. I think alot of people with alchol addiction are perfectionists which kind of makes it harder. But yes, that really ties in to living in the present moment, which I am trying to do more. Thank you for stopping by. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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