So I’m feeling a bit better and I’ve had time to process last weekend’s events.
It would be easy for me to play the victim here but I have to acknowledge my part in the whole thing, if I am to move past this.
I have an enormous amount of rage in me. It’s a rage that I haven been bottling up for years. It’s a rage that is surfacing now that I’m not anaesthetising myself anymore.
Personal responsibility means I have to be truthful and say that the violence was not one sided and was as much from me as the other the other person.
This is hard for me to acknowledge but necessary.
Why the rage? I don’t really know I’m trying to find that out. I had a very angry and explosive father and the way I learned to deal with that later on in life is by getting angry back. Fight first, ask questions later.
As soon as I became a mother I drank my angry feeling away, I literally swallowed them whole and they obviously festered. The anger is still there it was just hiding underneath the alcohol-induced haze.
Symptomatic anger covers up the pain of our “core hurts” according to dr Steven Stosny
He writes: “Paradoxical as it may seem, anger—even though it destroys any true peace of mind or sense of well-being—can yet help us to soothe ourselves. Our defensive anger still permits us to achieve a certain comfort. After all, we’re not wrong, or bad, or selfish, or inconsiderate; it’s our spouse, our child, our neighbor, our coworker.”
Anger as the Low Road to Self-Empowerment
“A person or situation somehow makes us feel defeated or powerless, and reactively transforming these helpless feelings into anger instantly provides us with a heightened sense of control. As the title of this article suggests, if anger can make us feel powerful, if it’s the “magic elixir” that seemingly is able to address our deepest doubts about ourselves, no wonder it can end up controlling us. In a sense, it’s every bit as much a drug as alcohol or cocaine. And it’s my strong belief that many, many millions of people worldwide are addicted to anger because of its illusorily empowering aspects.”
So I used to drink when I felt powerless, defeated or hurt now I’m using anger to get the same result!
Need to delve deeper into this. No one said this was going to be easy, this being a grown up stuff.