I can see through the thin veil that separates my two lives. The two different fates determined by which part of my brain wins the game. My tea drinking yoga doing self or the other one. The one that smokes and drinks neat whiskey without making a scrunchy up face. The one that doesn’t give a shit whether she lives or dies, the one that will do anything on a dare. It terrifies me to know that I am one bad decision one disaster away from picking up a drink and drowning myself in it. The thirst for oblivion can come on so quickly it comes in a surge and I almost have to catch my breath…it can thrill me so. I know I’m in trouble when I start listening to Led Zeppelin too loudly or when I drive too fast. I’m on the edge between worlds and anything can happen… The thrill is short lived. What is left is terror and fear. Sobriety is a day at a time deal. I’m good for today but I would be lying if I told you that other part of me isn’t still there. She is there and she peeks through every now and again just to remind me to do the work every day so that I get to go to bed sober. Instead of fearing her I have to take good care of her. She is just a frightened little girl, this shadow of mine. 💖💗💕
So I was thinking the other day… you know how you can’t drink and drive? Not being allowed to drink and drive is a totally necessary restriction in a civilised society because you will cause an accident and injure or kill people. I think we can all agree that this is a good thing and that no none will trust a drunk person behind the wheel of a car.
I was just wondering how I thought that I can live fullfilling purposeful life while under the influence in all of my spare time?
How did I think I can really navigate life, make good decisions and pursue goals while being fucked up in the head…so fucked up that I cannot be trusted to operate a machine of any description?
You are literally not present in your life so you are leaving a zombie in charge! This explains so many things to me. When I can seperate the zombie (the addict under the influence) from my self I can see I never stood a chance with the walking dead at the steering wheel of my life. My higher self did peek though every now and again and made some good decisions so thank god when I got sober wasnt the point where I lost everything. I will hasten to add the caveat of YET here! I know recovery is a one day at a time reprieve.
I for one am fucking relieved to be back in my body and my head. It really does feel like I’ve woken up from a bad dream.