Namaste bitches! 365 days!

sober

OK I know my last post was a massive downer. I had my mope, I followed advise from the lovely Betty and Northwoman and wallowed till I could wallow no more. By the way wallowing gets really boring after a couple of days and even I have a limit to how much ice cream i can consume.

Today I have been sober for …drumroll please….one whole year! Did you ever think you would see the day?..Queen of relapse actually made it for 365 days.

Ahem….I would like to thank the Academy, my mom and dad…

Just kidding, I’m not doing any speeches. I’m just surprised and really happy. With the day counting thing there is an element of dissappointment as well and so forgive me for getting a little serious just for a bit…

Part of my depression was due to this unrealistic expectation I had of what the sober me should look like. I mean the sober me should be ‘further her recovery that she is’ That right there ladies and gentlemen is the crux of the issue!  Wishing I was different and not accepting myself for who I am in the present moment. Letting myself be enough!  Taking care and loving myself instead of bulldosing my way through recovery like there is this massive checklist and GOALS that need to be reached.

Striving and never arriving! So I am taking a step back. I am going to try to be gentle with myself. I’m changing my word for the year half way through the year.(are we allowed to do that?) My new word is COMPASSION. Compassion for myself and my nearest and dearest. Creativity will flow from that when it’s ready.

Thank you for always being there and just being the best damn sober peeps around! Love you all! xxxxxxxx

 

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I’m a mess

Warning: This post needs a little violin playing in the background.

I feel like shit. I feel like I should be doing better in recovery than I am. Why can’t I just get my shit together?  Have had several thoughts about drinking. In fact just went to the shop to get fags when what I really wanted was wine.

I’m coming up to a year at the end of the month…it would have been two years if I didn’t have those two stupid lapses.

I am sorry but I don’t have any rosy ‘sober is better’ sobriety speak today. I am just over it all.  I know the things I am supposed to do to make me feel better but I’m not doing them. I’m not meditating, exercising, blogging or eating right and I’m also not getting enough sleep.

Had a very weird encounter with a friend that made me feel very shaken, I feel utterly misunderstood and betrayed by her and now I am questioning who I can trust. I also had a mum from school that subscribed to my youtube channel (she meant to link with my daughter) its a long story anyway the point is she saw a bunch of recovery videos and now this little nugget of information is probably going to be all over my kids school in the near future.

I know that drinking will not solve anything and I won’t drink. I can’t afford to drink. I hate it but I just want to crawl out of my own skin at the moment. My head won’t shut up and it’s driving me crazy. Sorry for putting this out there but this is the space I’ve carved out to be totally honest. I am also sorry for not being around much. I’m sure I will feel better tomorrow, just need to sleep early. Tomorrow is another day.