The past month I have been sober from alcohol but I have been my no means been what the experts would call ‘emotionally sober’
I have been back on the fags (on and off), diving into vats of ice cream and refreshing Facebook like an obsessive-compulsive hermit on crack.
February started off pretty well. After I wrote my last post I was completely determined to tackle this year by the horns and do ALL OF THE THINGS!
My word for this year is creativity and I had such BIG plans. I still have some plans but I have decided to scale back, more about that in a minute.
A friend of mine told me about bullet journaling, if you’re not familiar with the phenomena it’s a customizable organization system. It can be your to-do list, sketchbook, notebook, and diary.
This bullet journal malarkey is right up my street, I love lists and I love drawing and this year of course I am going to do ALL OF THE THINGS so I was sold.
Anything involving the purchase of new stationary causes the same dopamine release my brain as a gram of class A’s or booze. I have absolutely no control in a stationary shop …as I approach my heart pounds faster and when I see the new notebooks, glitter pens and washi tape I literally drool out of the side of my mouth.
I chose a beautiful pink Leuchtturm1917 notebook and stated setting up my pages. It was all very exciting and motivating as things are when you are the ‘new and improved’ version of yourself in the imagined future.
In the front of the journal I pasted in the 10 guideposts for wholehearted living by Brene (we love you Brene) and started decorating the journal with fervour. As I was washi taping and glitter penning I was imagining how organised I was going to be this year. My future self was going to use EVERY minute of EVERY day constructively. No more facebooking memes of cats dancing on rainbows. Ain’t no one got time for that.
This future self was a woman who meditated and did yoga every day, she drank lots of herbal tea and lemon and hot water in the morning to wake up her system. She ‘listened to her body’ and wouldn’t dream of eating anything with sugar in it god forbid! Sugar is poison!
She never went on facebook except to post something about her fabulous life every now and then.
She was on top of all of the kids things and anticipated their every need before they even knew they had them. She never forgot lunch boxes and also never shouted in anger. She was way too ‘evolved’ to ever lash out at her little darlings.
To give you an example of how unrealistic my expectations were , my morning routine for your perusal and amusement:
6:00 wake up
6:00-6-10 –sort breakfast for kids
6:10-6-30 – Meditate
6:30-6:35 get school uniforms ready
6:35 – 7:10 Make school lunches and breakfast for mr Hurrah and myself
7:10- 8:10 Yoga
8:10-8:30 Get myself and kids ready
8:30 take kids to school
9:00 Bullet journal the days tasks and goals
9:10 Start work.
The reality of course was more like this:
6:00 wake up
6:00-6:30 Drag myself out of bed (had less than 6 hours sleep) Drink two gargatuan cups of coffee in quick succession while arguing with my son about what to make for breakfast.
6:30-7:30 Dishes and clearing up while checking Facebook and Instagram in between making lunches and breakfast for mr Hurrah and myself
7:30-8:30 Trying to find clean and ironed uniforms for kids, dealing with lost homework and filling in last minute school forms. Asking children to put their uniforms on 6 million times. Dealing with several ‘friend related’ issues my daughter thinks is pertinent to share with me at this time critical point in the morning
8:30 -8:40 Trying to find hats scarves and gloves and water bottles that are strewn/hidden throughout the house
9:00 Massive cup of coffee and facebook.
9:30 Start work
After a week of trying to stick to this routine I lost motivation and drive. I just reverted back to my old shitty habits. I also just started numbing out all of my unpleasant emotions with sugar, social media, and solitaire. Oh yes I forgot to tell you about my solitaire addiction. It’s a real ‘thing’ I can play that game on my phone for hours in the evening and not look up from my phone once.
I’ve realised that I need to revise this morning routine and also revise my expectations I have of this perfect ‘future self’
It could be something like this:
Get more sleep – My son still wakes up at night and also wakes up really early so I have to go to bed earlier.
Yoga maybe 3 times a week
Try to meditate 10 minutes whenever I can
The irony of course is that I have so many of Brene’s quotes in the journal and I still fell into the old perfectionist trap.
There are so many improvements I can make to my life and myself and being sober wakes you up to the possibilities. But then the perfectionist thing is still a real problem for me and I need to learn to love myself and accept where I am.
My new motto for this year – Have fewer expectations and be realistic!