I’m feeling really low because after being sober for well over 100 days I drank again last Saturday. The wind is out of my sails. My momentum has fallen flat on its face. My little gorgeous pink cloud has turned into a shitty little rain cloud that is just floating above me and no one else.
All of this counting malarkey is driving me nuts. What’s the deal with the ‘consecutive day’ dogmatic thing? This is making it harder for me and must be for other people too.
I have been drinking most of my adult life. I think with any massive change its to be expected that there will be a couple of bumps in the road. I know alcohol isn’t doing me any favours but it has been my coping mechanism for the best part of 23 odd years.
It’s to be expected that I reached for it in a time of intense turmoil. I learned from last weekend that it doesn’t help and all it does it delays the pain till the following day.
This is one of the things that used to get me back into drinking. I’d get some sober time under my belt then I would lapse. I’d think fuck it, this is too damn hard and besides I was never that bad.
This time around I don’t have the luxury of the second part of the sentence to allow me to continue to drink and make it a full blown relapse. I know I WAS that bad and drinking again is not an option. Besides I don’t want to drink again. I’ve had a couple of fleeting cravings my I think that was the alcohol leaving my system.
Annie Grace has a video on this exact topic and it has helped me not to go down the self loathing path.
Instead I choose to follow the route of percentages!
So, I made the decision to quit on the 27th of May this year.
I had 3 lapses which puts me at a 70% success rate! I think that’s progress and just by writing this I am feeling better already.