Grieving through a pandemic

death
I hate quiet time because when its quiet I remember my mother is dead and I feel like the silence is going to swallow me up. It’s too damn loud.

It’s a blunt pain. A definite pain. A pain that is here to stay.

So pull up a chair. 

I can’t feel her or hear her. I’m desperate for some sign that she’s watching over me. I am so desperate for this that I’ve started writing notes to myself in her ‘voice’ …things I think she would have said to me. I’m finding small comfort in this.

I have a shrine laden with skull candle holders, incense, some of her trinkets, Lord Ganesha and Buddha among them and her photos in the middle. I light the candles every day.

Some people have said that a shrine isn’t helpful in the grieving process. I say fuck those people. I will have this shrine for as long as I want this shrine.

I’ve been feeling guilty because I have been distracting myself from grieving with work, children and I don’t know if you’ve heard but there is a global fucking pandemic at the moment.

Covid 19 is going to kill us all and we have to stay inside! One of the weirdest sentences I think I’ve ever written. 

So I haven’t made a lot of time for my mother and my pain because I don’t want to fucking feel it its too fucking much and I don’t know if I can really handle all of this.

I am still sober. I am navigating these choppy waters of grieving through a pandemic with phone scrabble and tea biscuits.

That’s all from me for now. I am sorry I’ve been absent, I have missed everyone so much. 

4 thoughts on “Grieving through a pandemic

  1. Hey you! So glad you wrote. We’ve missed you, too. You can say anything here; how about coming here to write more often? All ears….

    When my mom died I had not yet even started my drinking problem, and am I ever glad I didn’t have to grieve and struggle with alcohol at the same time. Hold your sobriety dear. It is your loving friend.

    A book called Journey of Souls changed me forever in how I think about lives and deaths and purpose and the universe. It was written by a therapist who did hypotism sessions with clients exploring “past lives,” who noticed that when his clients described the periods between lives they were often describing the same places and activities. It provoked the curiosity of the researcher in him and he proceeded to ask new clients specific questions about specific things in order to get a better picture of the situation. The result is this book — it’s a research report of sorts (with some amazing transcripts) describing what he was able to learn about the process of death, life between lives, the process of coming back to the next life. I have a science background and have very little use for anyone’s personal views on anything spiritual (including most major religious texts), and this book changed my life. Made everything make sense (it was really bugging me that I couldn’t figure life out, why the hell I’m here and why we suffer so much (god, sounds like a religious question, doesn’t it?!)). You might find it interesting.

    You will get through this sucky time. You will, drinking nice safe drinks and learning wildly, maybe weird, new ways to take care of yourself and soothe yourself and find peace sometime eventually. Again, please consider continuing to write here…. xo Adrian

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  2. Good to hear from you. I am sorry you have reason to grieve. You have been a continued inspiration for me whenever I read your posts. Today’s speaks to me because you are feeling your pain without alcohol. That’s my continual goal. Hugs.

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  3. “Some people have said that a shrine isn’t helpful in the grieving process. I say fuck those people. I will have this shrine for as long as I want this shrine.” YES. Had my family not been sleeping, I would have screamed affirmation at my computer screen. I love your idea of a shrine. In our previous house, I had a little shrine for the animals we have lost. Whatever helps keep you connected, or whatever works for you right now. And I needed to here you say “fuck those people,” because it’s a sentiment I need in my own life. Granted, those people (for me) are mostly in my head, but fuck them regardless…and the horses they rode in on.

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