Day one

I drank yesterday. After 7 months of sobriety, I fucked up.

I feel defeated and sick to my stomach. The hangover nothing compared to the self-hatred I feel.

My husband has been in a relapse for months now since he got back from Africa. I have found it really hard watching him drink himself into a stupor and having to walk on eggshells around his quick temper and moods due to alcohol. Weekends have been awful because he would start drinking at 12 in the day, sometimes earlier. There has been alcohol in the house (which I swore we would never do).

A couple of weeks ago my mother was diagnosed with Emphazema and I have found it really difficult to be so far away from her during this time. I want to be with her but I cant. I feel stuck, I can’t move back to Africa and she cant move here because in order for me to make that happen I have to prove that she has no other children living there that can look after her.

At lunch yesterday we had a fight because he snapped at me again. I went to my room to try calm down and he came in saying that he’s going out. I just lost all my grounding. When he says he’s going out that means he’s going to drink more and buy weed. I have spent so many night worrying about him when he’s out as he gets so out of it and a drunk/stoned man on his own is a target.

I went downstairs and poured myself a massive whiskey. I sat looking at it for ages. I didn’t want to drink it. I wanted to disappear. I was hoping that he would stop me when he saw it. He didn’t.

I just thought fuck it! Life is always going to be like this and I drank 3 big gulps. I shuddered and felt nauseous and thought to myself you don’t have to do this you can stop now. But the addict part of my brain just said fuck it you’ve broken your sobriety now you may as well just do it properly.

I can’t remember much of the night. I can’t remember putting the kids to bed. I can remember that I got sick.

In the cold light of day I am faced with the aftermath of what I have done. Another fucking day one. Jesus fucking Christ! How could I have been so stupid?

This is self harm to the extreme. I used to cut myself when I was a teenager. When my emotional pain was too much to bear I would cut my wrists to feel better. Yesterday felt like that.

I’m not planning on making the lapse into a full-blown relapse. I hate fucking alcohol. I hate it with everything in me. I’m done with that and I’m done with that life.

I made massive progress this past year, yesterday doesn’t negate that. Maybe it needed to happen to just cement in brain how absolutely shit it is.

I do know that I cannot have alcohol in the house and that I cannot be married to someone who is a drinker. It is too risky and I am not strong enough to handle it.

I spoke to my husband about it. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum; he needs to decide for himself that he wants to stop. Unfortunately I am not strong enough to wait for his rock bottom or moment of revelation.

This is just a really fucking difficult situation and I feel like I’ve been through the ringer.

My son gave me a hug this morning, I felt like I didn’t deserve a hug from such a pure little soul. I felt and still feel polluted, dirty and full of poison.

I think I need to sleep. Will need to put some more plans in place so that this doesn’t ever happen again.

 

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82 thoughts on “Day one

  1. My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine how horrible you must feel about having had that whiskey.
    But I looked back at some of your posts and couldn’t find any mention of you working a program like the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. How did you stay sober for the 7 months? Sheer willpower?
    That works for a while. But then it doesn’t. I stayed sober by willpower alone for years so I know. It’s not fun and it’s not pleasant. Being an alcoholic without alcohol is very difficult because people like me don’t properly handle life. We don’t think right. We are spiritually sick and need SOMETHING.
    Go to AA meetings and work the Steps as outlined in the book.
    That’s what saved my life and gave me peace. It can work for you too.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sending hugs too. It sounds as if you have a good deal on your plate. Try and take very good care of yourself today so you can keep hearing your own inner voice who will always be your best guide. Lots and lots of love, Prim xxx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Please do , I tried it 4 times always finding a reason to leave, usually down to someone or something I heard. The final time7 years ago, I was frickin broken, would have sold my granny to get sober. Please please give it another go. It saved my life. I’m not a hardcore old timer either, just eventually found my place and my way of doing it. My mail is saoirse@the drawingboard.ie if you want to mail, I really mean it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi Hurrah,
    Another big hug!
    Be sure you get a massive amount of self care.
    Sleep, a bath, maybe get a pedicure.
    You are in a hard situation where your husband still uses.
    I agree you need more support, maybe you can try Alanon?
    Much Love,
    Wendy

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I have always loved reading your posts. I look forward to them. You are a awesome writer. So sorry to here you’ve slipped. Who hasn’t a million times …I know I have. Don’t beat yourself up as they say, you have done so well your amazing. Big deal one slip. Just keep on going, who cares about the numbers. Hope you find a solution to the situations you face there at home. BIG HUGS 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh hurrah I’m so sorry 😦 Reading this made me sad. You’ve really got the deck stacked against you at the moment by the sounds of it. I don’t have any great advice but I really, really hope you will be ok and not fall back down into the alcohol pit. Lots of simple self care and love needed today. Sending you sober love and hugs, hang in there honey xx

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Hi HFC,

    Well, let’s say ‘hurray for coffee’. 🙂 From what I read you have it pretty much sorted out and I read resolve in your words so I am sending hugs and love but I actually pretty much trust you know you will sort yourself out.
    One thing I would like to point at though, since you yourself have not mentioned it: why did you not call for help? That worries me. Do you know why? I am thinking that giving up on sobriety does not happen with the first gulp, not even at the pooring of the glass, not even at allowing alcohol in the house: it might start there were one is too tired to care about the alcohol coming into the house. Too drawn into the atmosphere of drinking for too long? Well something was too something to safeguard yourself. 😉 I think it is important to find out what and when.

    If I’m in a shit I write. And then there is the possibility to go to http://www.intherooms.com (online AA meetings at all absurd and normal hours of the day, and chat 24/7). They have online meetings with webcame where you can see and not be seen or be seen too. Just how you do your settings.

    And OBVIOUSLY you can mail me. Or better, leave a message at my blog. I believe you are in the UK so we are sort of ish in the same region. (Thinking of making a Brexit joke :-D)

    Hang in there. Do what a woman who loves herself would do. If you don’t know that currently here are some ideas:
    – beating yourself up only works when you learn from it. It is my experience that learning is way easier if I do not reject myself and what has happened.
    – take care, if not from the heart, start taking care from the outside in.
    – cry, have pitty, feel remorse, be angry, feel, and write or talk. Do not let it fester.

    Sending hugs, you can do this. Continuing drinking is like slashing all the tires when you have one flat.

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 5 people

  8. I’m so sorry.
    Continuous sobriety is just a way to track things. You are sober today. That is what is most important.
    Don’t let yesterday’s pain ruin today.
    Find help. Do you have a therapist?
    It must be very difficult to have a drinker in the house. It is not unreasonable for you to have boundaries around what you accept.
    Would you husband go to AA with you? Maybe you could find peace together?

    You can get past this. Just move forward.
    Anne

    Liked by 7 people

    • Thank you Anne, I’m going To put some plans in place to get through this. I’m looking at soul healers and also going to ask respectfully that there be no alcohol in the house. I also bought a book about codependency suggested by a fellow blogger. Yes I am sober today. I know that alcohol dies nothing for me except make me miserable and be the worst version of myself. One slip doesn’t change my feelings on that. Thank you fur always being there. Xxx

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  9. Ah shit. I am sorry. “You might have lost a battle but you haven’t lost the war.” I learned that from Annie Grace and I wouldn’t have heard of her if it hadn’t been for you. I wish you could come over and I could fix you some tea and put a cool cloth on your forehead. I fully get it. You are one of the favorites out in blogging land and I admire you for telling the truth and writing about it so quickly, this thing that you are doing is hard. Compounded with a partner who isn’t on board must be miserable. Take care of your sweet self

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Oh no, Hurrah, I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
    Just like what Soberisland stated ^^ about losing a battle but not the war. I don’t believe this mishap puts you back at square one. Try to focus on what you’ve just learned from this experience, and all the good work you’ve built up in these last 7 months. You have amazing capabilities to achieve your goals, just keep building on those achievements from here. Hang in there, rest up, be kind to yourself, then be ready to fight the good fight again.
    Lots of virtual ((hugs)) and coffee, xoxo.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Mark that means a lot to me. I am not planning on going back, if anything this experince has cemented firmly in my brain that alcohol has nothing to offer me anymore except misery and regret. xxx

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  11. Oh Hurrah, I’m so proud of you for blogging today and not letting this turn into a relapse. One slip, that’s all and now you are taking responsibility and getting straight back on your sober journey, well done. You’re probably feeling like shit at the moment but self care is what you need and sleep. Keep moving forward. You are sober today and that matters. Just remember you can only control you and your journey. We are always here xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  12. YUK!!! Been there done that!
    I’m sooo sorry you ended up drinking but as you have said yourself and blogged many times, it’s a lapse and it doesn’t have to be a relapse. You also don’t need to start your count again, when I drank that one time, i chose not to because it discounted the 5-6 months I had had already which were hard won and deserved recognition. If you learnt to ride a horse but fell off one day you wouldn’t say “oh I’ve got to start learning to ride again”, you’d just get back on and pick up where you left off.
    Like MrsMac above, I commend you on blogging today, it’s hard to come back hungover dripping in shame and announce to the world “I fucked up” but in doing so you cross that major divide and also set yourself up for not doing it again tonight. If you are anything like me you will realise now more than ever how drinking solves nothing and as you rightly mention is just self harm in the extreme.
    However, you are very very wrong about not deserving a hug from your pure souled son. You deserve each and every hug you get and especially today more than ever.
    AA works for those it works for, to others it jars and doesn’t offer the same result. Only you will know if it works for you or not.
    Sending you a massive hug and hope for a brighter day tomorrow. You have got a VERY full plate at the moment but you can rally and get yourself back on track. You have the knowledge and understanding and a huge support system here to help. Dust yourself off and get back on that horse. All the BIG stuff will get sorted even if right now it seems unfathomable, focus on you and what you need to do to get through each day.
    Ginger

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you Ginger. I’m on the horse today! I wont let this get me down. I dont feel the same level of disdain for myself that I did the last time I drank. Dont know if that makes sense. I’m not where I was. I’ve been able to forgive myself much quicker this time around and I feel confident that alchol has no place in my life. Re AA, yes I dont know how I feel, I will try another meeting. I’ve been to about 6 or 7 and it never felt right. Perhaps I havent found my tribe. I am also coming up with other strategies that may work for me. In any event, I’m back today, sober and feeling much better. xxx

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  13. Nothing is ever wasted – none of it! Not one second of those SEVEN WHOLE MONTHS you spent sober…this thing you’re doing? It’s incredible.

    An excerpt from hipsobriety.com:

    Failure is a good thing. There is a lot of fear around the idea of “what if I try and I fail?” We think it means we are worse off than we thought, subject to a life alternating between sobriety and addiction. The truth is that most of us stumble along the way to sustained sobriety. And that’s completely normal. Failure is temporary, and it’s what the road to success is paved on. Think of it this way…Thomas Edison failed – many times – at inventing the light bulb. But Thomas Edison also invented the light bulb. Anything worth doing is inherently a challenge. It’s at these points – these stumbles – that we learn our deepest lessons, that we learn what is working and what isn’t, that we learn about ourselves. The only thing to be scared of is not trying something in the first place. To evolve, we must dare to fail. And when we fail, we must remember we are that much farther ahead than when we started.

    Much love, sister! Keep going ♥ xoxo

    Liked by 5 people

  14. Hey, HFC, look at all the well deserved love you got here. You earned it. Always supporting us all. Sharing your sober support finds. Being brave enough to say you drank. You’re strong and deserving. If u doubt you’re all of these nice things, quit it, just take my word for it, for now. It is hard to do this quitting thing we are doing. But you are doing it. You. Are. Doing. It. Q

    Liked by 4 people

  15. Oh, Hurrah – you are still an inspiration to me. You faced challenging life situations, made a bad choice but owned up to it, reconciled it and are ready to move forward. Don’t let a slip discount all the work and progress you have made. You are not a failure and you deserve the love your family has for you. Hope you are indulging in nourishing self care (i e carbs) and taking it easy on yourself.

    Liked by 3 people

  16. So many comments before me have said such great things… but like bluebird487, you are an inspiration to me. Know that the honest words you shared, reminded me that we are all “works in progress”… you insightfulness hints of self-forgiveness… you are an amazing strong courageous soul. I am have gained from your experiences. Love you HFC. Merry

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Hi Hurrah. I know where you’re at because I’m in the same place. My husband is a heavy drinker and all of the people that surround me are as well. It’s impossible to not have alcohol in the house. It’s impossible to get away from it. Day in day out. Over and over. I get it because I live this never ending battle.

    Tough decisions about your life are necessary. Can you work things out? Compromise? Explain what you need. But I wouldn’t make any decision without a lot of thought. And perhaps a good therapist.

    I had to tell my husband no wine in my house. Not for me. Not for friends. Not to stock for the home bar or upcoming parties. Not even for parties with wine drinkers. They can sneak out to their cars if they must but it’s not to enter my home.

    But that doesn’t mean there isn’t beer free flowing from the skies around here.

    Discuss some common ground rules when he’s sober and see how he reacts. It’s been something I’ve been struggling with for years. So I know it’s impossible to make changes when they don’t want the change.

    At the end of the day. Do what’s good for you.

    Lots of love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, yes dear lord is is fucking hard being surrounded by it! Its not so much that I wanted to drink, I think I drank to teach him a lesson or something? I dont know this situation isnt healthy. I think you are right about the no alchol in the house rule. I need my sober bubble, without it I just can’t cope. I have a lot of thinking to do about his drinking and how I handle it. I need to get out of his business and focus on myself more. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know someone else is in a similar situation. x

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  18. I really like what Ginger Groundhog said about not restarting your count. You are 7 months sober, with one relapse. Tomorrow, you will be seven months, one day sober (and you can mentally add in “with one relapse” or not). People who quit smoking don’t count the days like we all do with alcohol. As a recovering food addict, I have no idea when the last day I binge ate (okay, I think it was tonight, but BEFORE that). The count is only useful as long as it’s useful. Your journey is your own, and I admire you for being able and willing to share it. *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow!!! Look at all the love coming your way!!! You deserve every single real and virtual hug. I agree with others who say “don’t reset your counter just because of one lapse!!!” You are one of my favourites too. Lots of love ❤️
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  20. One reason I don’t like counting days whether it’s alcohol, diets or anything else is that when a relapse happens (and they often can) it seems like everything is ruined, back to square one. It isn’t. You have shown you can do it. No blame or self criticism. You have achieved far more than I could. Like the song says, pick yourself up, dust yourself down . Also sounds like you were put in a bloody difficult situation. Get back on the bike -and good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I understand with abstinence based recovery that complete abstinence is the goal and the reason is that once we’ve past a certain point (repeated the addictive behaviour enough times) moderation just isn’t possible anymore. In truth I passed that point long ago. The day count is a way to keep track but can be very demotivating for someone who is trying to get sober. I heard a podcast once where a doctor said that statistically it takes an average of 8 years from deciding you want to get sober to reaching complete abstinence. Thank you so much for your kind words and support. xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Ohhh dear BIG HUGS for you!! As you’ve told me many times before, don’t beat yourself up, it’s one slip and you’ve definitely learned from this, and have an even clearer vision of what you want and don’t want. Alcohol is a life sucker, and gets us back in at our weakest point. Now you can shut and lock the door to it and walk away, peace out alcohol✌🏼, no relapse happening here. Happy to hear you’re not hungover anymore that’s the worst, and today’s a new day, new opportunity for a beautiful day to be alive xo

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I’m sorry you’re hurting and going through a difficult situation. I can tell you’re a strong from reading you’re posts and know you have the strength to move forward the best way for you. You have to take care of yourself first. You’ve worked hard and will come through this. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Hi Hurrah
    I have been reading your blog for a while. I’ve not posted before but was really sad to hear you’ve been having such a rough time.
    I know we can have a tendency to be harsh on ourselves when things don’t won’t work out as they should. Don’t beat yourself up. You have done so well and it would be easy to let one moment of madness eclipse many moments of achievement. Don’t let it.
    You’ve had some fab advice on here. A previous poster quoted something from Hip Sobriety about failures and taking positives from it. I would see this blip as just that. When we self-medicate, particularly with alcohol, we tend to lose sense of reality and I think you can have a tendency to forget who you are and what you find to be acceptable not only from yourself but from others. Once you stop drinking, you regain confidence as the “blurriness” disappears. With the clarity you redefine your boundaries. That is a good thing! And it will be an essential part of your self-care. You are now redefining yours and the drinking episode has served its purpose.
    I seem to remember SoberMummy talking about learning where the potholes in the road are. Initially you fall into them, but eventually we may walk road them or learn to take another road.
    Much love to you and virtual hugs
    Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. Yes booze has always been midicine to me, that is why when things are going well I dont even think about it! Its when stress hits that I spin out of control. I think my brain has a lot of reparing to do re impulse control and I’ve heard meditation really helps with that. One of my golas for this year is cultivating a steady meditation practice. Thank you for stopping by:) Cant see a link to your blog? xxx

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  24. I’m so sorry, hun, what a damn mess life turns out to be at times. So many obstacles and all we want to donis disappear onstead of putting on the big girl pants and start changing stuff, but I happen to have a feeling that you look rather smart in your big girl pants and when you’re bruises heal after yesterday I hope you get angry instead of sad. Angry gets shit done.

    Tons of love and hugs and butterflies to you my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. You are so incredibly brace to post this so soon after. The fact that you did shows how much you want to stop drinking, making yourself accountable to a community in a way. Remember to have absolute compassion for yourself. It’s so important. You deserve all the hugs you get and then some. Sending you strength and peace💕

    Like

      • I’m not and never have been addicted to alcohol, but I have been to other things and someone I love (to bits) struggles daily. I know how strong the urge can be. I joined a family support group at a local Drugs and Alcohol agency, after my family member reached rock bottom and that’s been invaluable to me, and that in turn has helped him. I’m in awe of the people I’ve begun following here, you included.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. I’m just now catching up but I have to tell you that you handled this with so much grace and class and I am so proud of you. Life is really hard sometimes. You don’t have to manage it all alone though and I’m so proud of you for owning this and sharing it here. You truly are an inspiration.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wasn’t very classy when I was getting sick 😂 I wasn’t going to post about it but then I realised that would be the biggest mistake. Getting sober is about telling the truth and I’ve been living in a lie of denial for so many years. I’m still a little angry at myself for letting it happen but I have to learn from this. 💖

      Liked by 1 person

  27. Ugh. Sorry. Tough stuff to maneuver around as you try and stay sober. No advise spewing from me. You are doing all the right things it seems but tap dancing in a mine field. Hang in there. Hug coming your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I hope things are better for you now and that your husband has quit. I’m envious of your resolve to stay sober. I had over 90 days of sobriety and fucked it up. Since then (which was back in May), I’m in this awful cycle of staying sober for a couple weeks and then drinking for 2 days in a row until blackout occurs. I can’t seem to break the cycle no matter what new things I try.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He hasn’t quit yet but I am not going there again. I am really taking it one day at a time at this point. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with this vicious cycle. Keep trying different things. You can do this. xxx

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