The only way is UP

churchillquote

Thank you for all the messages and emails. I’m totally blown away that you all took the time to comment and send me such lovely words of support.

It’s very strange for me to think that anyone even reads my blog or that anyone wants to hear what I have to say. (I’m not saying that in a self deprecating way, its just really overwhelming all the love. ) The sober blogosphere is just an awesome place and you are all so amazing, don’t know what I would do without ya’ll.

Yesterday was tough, I was violently hung over and my self esteem in tatters on the floor. So I did what you do when times are hard… I had a little pity party, I listened to Leonard Cohen, I wallowed in misery, I cried, I ate carbs, I ate 2 ice creams and I went to bed early.

This morning I woke up with such excitement. I can’t explain it but I know good things are on the way. No I haven’t lost my mind and I am not still drunk. My problems are still there and yes I drank over them but I know that I’m better than I was a year ago because I was able to look at myself with compassion. I can forgive myself for giving in and for drinking. I can look at what happened and see where I can do better next time.

Every day is day one for an addict. Every day we are faced with a choice to fall into old negative patterns or to choose joy and right action. It really is… one day at a time.

Its easy for me to choose joy and right action when things are going well but when the shit hits the fan it gets really tough because I have years of conditioning to undo.

The good thing is that I know I can’t go back. Going back to drinking is like going back into a burning house like Annie Grace says. I know one thing for sure and that is that I’ve got no business being in that house anymore!

I didn’t feel good when I drank, it felt terrible. My body and soul says no it every time.

Couple of things I am going to look at:

  • Asking for help when I can see I am being overwhelmed. Phoning someone when I feel I’m on the cliff.
  • Making that relapse prevention plan book that postcardsfromrecovery wrote a post about.
  • Trying another meeting
  • Better self care (meditation, sleep, good nutrition)
  • Turning my house into a sober bubble again.
  • Researching co-dependency (bought a book suggested by the lovely saoirsek)
  • Trying Alanon (Lovely Wendy’s suggestion)

There are more things can’t think of them all right now.

xxx

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25 thoughts on “The only way is UP

  1. Hey, you’ve been on my mind. I totally get that feeling of excitement. By posting yesterday you not only helped yourself but everyone who reads your blog. It made me examine where I’m at sobriety wise. Am I getting meetings? And most importantly, where’s my head at? Am I sad, angry, tired, lonely resentful or maybe am I feeling a little cocky!!! A slip almost always happens before it happens if ya get my drift! Sending big hugs S xx

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This is fantastic to read, I totally relate to the morning excitement. I would NEVER EVER EVER recommend anyone try this but when I had my lapse it cemented for me that I was absolutely totally done and it was the last time. It brought about new resolve and understanding that drinking did nothing but make me feel like crap. Now I have zero desire, zero cravings and zero inclination. I know we are all different but I hope you are like me as I feel like a teetotaller who never drank. Think of this as a rebirth and recommitment to sober forever. Also really really try and cement in your head the whole experience, the sense of disappointment after the first few sips, the knowledge that this wasn’t going to help, the understanding that you are better off without it, the bitterness that it brings into your life-relationship-mentality and do not forget the hangover, feeling sick, pounding head, sweating, worry about liver and other organs. It is just NOT worth it at all. I kept thinking of everything I hated about it anytime I felt an urge and now the urge has gone. I am not naive enough to think it won’t appear at a later stage but for now it is just a dim and distant memory (that only seems to come up when I look at blogs, hence my recent silence)
    Keep it up chick, you are doing just fine.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. It really is an awful pastime and honestly I don’t know how the hell I coped with hangovers every day! You are basically operating at a massive handicap. How can you live a fulfilling life when alcohol takes so much out of you? It takes up all your mind space; makes you unconscious and when you regain consciousness you cannot see the wood for the trees. x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is great “Every day is day one for an addict. Every day we are faced with a choice to fall into old negative patterns or choose joy and right action.” Yes. Applauding your choice today. We fall down. We get up. We choose love. Working the 12 steps of codependent recovery with an amazing sponsor was a huge helpful step for me. I resisted for years. Made tons of excuses (suffered all the consequences) It’s been over 10 years now and I only wish I’d done it sooner. Melody Beattie’s books were a helpful place to start but having the support of safe, healthy sponsor was key. Glad today’s a good day. Hugs xo

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  5. Was thinking of you a lot yesterday after your first post and am happy to see how quickly you moved past the self-flaggelation into resolve/excitement/strategizing. You are doing great!! Your 7 months of sobriety, all of it, all that weight, is still behind you. Your instincts are turning so toward health and awakeness (awakity?). I agree with a commenter above that that YUCK!! can be very instructive. Do keep this relapse short. I know from experience, last summer, that alcohol can taste/feel like crap the first drink but if you have another, then another, it stops tasting so crappy and there you go. I wish you well in figuring out how to deal with your husband’s drinking. Tough one. And I wish your mom well but more to the point that you can release your distress and let life be life. Carry on! XX

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  6. You actually helped me as well, I realised I had been neglecting the blogs and the meditation and all that because I felt I had this is the bag (307 days) but at the same time I felt I was slipping. More and more thoughts of eacape, more and more bouts of temporarily feeling sorry for myself and having my whiny inner toddler yelling IT’S not FAIR, fuck it all let’s get drunk! (Yes, my inner toddler has some issues.) Your post sure sobered me up and humbled me. I think the fact that you’re NOT taking this as an excuse to go all in is a sure testament as to how far you have come. Hugs/Q

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  7. I am just catching up. Sorry to hear that you had a fall but super happy to hear the positivity In your post today. You and I both know that having months of sobriety behind you is no guarantee of success so don’t bash yourself up about it. I think that every time we fall it is another weapon in our armoury. Another reminder of why we DON’T want to drink.
    Recently I have been dreaming about drinking. I wake up and wonder if it was real………..did I really drink or was I dreaming about it. It is strange. I think it is on my subconscious mind.
    Sorry to hear about your mum. It must have been a huge trigger. I hope that you at least get to spend some quality time with her soon xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Of course we all took time to send you our love and hugs and support. We are a community of hope and you are a vital part of that. I hope you are feeling better and that we can meet up soon. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am so proud of you HFC. You have got back on track straight away. You know what is right for you, no matter what anyone else is doing. You are so strong. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • This just gave me goosebumps, thank you. The support from this sober blogging world is seriously what helped get me through and made me think twice when I wanted to just disappear into a bottle. Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I don’t have many people in my life that are privie to my struggle so it really means a lot. 💖💖💖

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I missed all of this ( I have been having a sober-sad-party), read your comment so got my head out of myself and read this!
    It is kind of strange because reading about your night of “research” is like reading about a sober-minded person having a drink. You are so together and get it – and totally know where you stand with alcohol and what you are about.
    Congratulations to you. … and I love the suggestion you mention about reaching out at the poitn when you feel overwhelmed xx
    Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Good plan!

    For what it’s worth, not only is it incredible the feedback and support you’ve received, but it was received because you are you. The gift your words have made to others makes it easy for others to return the favor.

    Everybody is on their Day 1.

    That is so true. We share this day and nothing else. That will never change. Here’s to you, Hurrah! Thanks for sharing your struggle in open and honest ways, inviting others to join in. This is what recovery is, at its best.

    Liked by 1 person

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