The veil

/ Hurrahforcoffee


I can see through the thin veil that separates my two lives. The two different fates determined by which part of my brain wins the game. My tea drinking yoga doing self or the other one. The one that smokes and drinks neat whiskey without making a scrunchy up face. The one that doesn’t give a shit whether she lives or dies, the one that will do anything on a dare. It terrifies me to know that I am one bad decision one disaster away from picking up a drink and drowning myself in it. The thirst for oblivion can come on so quickly it comes in a surge and I almost have to catch my breath…it can thrill me so. I know I’m in trouble when I start listening to Led Zeppelin too loudly or when I drive too fast. I’m on the edge between worlds and anything can happen… The thrill is short lived. What is left is terror and fear. Sobriety is a day at a time deal. I’m good for today but I would be lying if I told you that other part of me isn’t still there. She is there and she peeks through every now and again just to remind me to do the work every day so that I get to go to bed sober. Instead of fearing her I have to take good care of her. She is just a frightened little girl, this shadow of mine.  💖💗💕

19 thoughts on “The veil”

  1. Dear HFC,
    I really get this. There are times I want to let loose. Be able to just let go.
    Of course, I can’t. And really don’t want to, but nevertheless, that Wendy is still there.
    Now, I try to find other ways to feel that way. I look for new things to see or do!
    Of course, I tell myself, being free from drinking is the best. No DUI’s, being sick, etc!
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. I feel that too – just a frightened little girl inside. For me, in the past it was a wtf attitude and avoiding feelings and liquid courage to say and do things I couldn’t when sober. I’m new to sobriety-was day 215, now day 1. I’m at that tippy point ( for lack of better description) where the over powering self talk that keeps me from drinking goes something like this: it’s ok to feel shitty, at least you’re not drinking, it will get better; it’s ok to not get anything done today / just read blogs, take a walk-you’re taking care of yourself; it’s ok- you will feel better and better, etc. the tippy point for relapse was self talk like I’m tired of feeling shitty, why can’t I make the changes I need to be happy.; I should be able to handl this now; I just need a little numbing out and motivation to get things done, let’s see how it feel to just drink a little, etc .
    It is a thin veil I hide behind and allow myself to peer out from. That feeling of I’m tired of felling this way is a sign that I need support before I cave in.

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    • Yes to support. The feelings you describe may most certainly be PAWS. It took me a good 9 months to start feeling better. But then we need to learn to live in our own heads without medicating the anxiety and depression. Teachers that help me with that: Eckhard tolle and Byron Katie. 💖

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      • Boy, living in our own heads is the truth. No shutting out the the thoughts feelings …thanks for the teacher suggestions too- I’ve viewed several Byron Katie videos and the pausing and questioning what’s true is something I will try. Day 8, or 222of 223😏. Appreciate the support

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  3. This is an amazing description of what it’s like. We have this natural daring, which is GOOD, but then it got channelled into drinking. That worked for a while, but then drinking became what it always does … a game of Russian roulette. Even when you live through it, you’ve scared yourself shitless. And you have to have those awful 3 am reckonings.
    So the natural daring comes back at some point. I really only feel an inkling of it right now, because I’m so used to hanging back UNTIL I have a drink. Now without the drink, I’ve got to relearn how to put myself out there. What you said is SO TRUE. She’s the girl inside of me that I have to take care of. And love no matter what.

    Beautifully written. 💕

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  6. Give her a hug, soothe he, love her, just as she is.. accept her into your life and enjoy her fun part. Hopefully loved and accepted that little girl art wont need to act out so much just to be noticed. Much love, I have that part too. Lily xx

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  8. Your comment about the thrill being short is so true. It’s like I got on an amazing roller coaster for a LAST!!! thrill seeking ride but I haven’t been able to get off. Even the most fantastic ride ever gets boring, sickly, tiresome and physically draining if you do it day after day. The outcome of all that adrenaline overload is adrenal fatigue.
    Stay on the dodgems my friend, it’s not as exhilarating or thrilling but you are in control of your own car and being on the ground the choice to just get out is yours, foot off the gas and step away.

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  11. Dear HFC,

    first off – I love your blog name! Absolutely fabulous. And secondly – I don’t know if it is the same, but with help I was able to “merge” that part of me who wants the see the world burn and lives of the thrill: I just need to let her out in a safe place. And that safe place for me is: boxing class, hard rock concerts (w/o alcohol obvs) and debate club. Sometimes I just wanna fight and that’s all good as long as I’m not fighting with myself, know what I mean?

    Have a great day and keep on writing!

    Eva

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