Warning: This post needs a little violin playing in the background.
I feel like shit. I feel like I should be doing better in recovery than I am. Why can’t I just get my shit together? Have had several thoughts about drinking. In fact just went to the shop to get fags when what I really wanted was wine.
I’m coming up to a year at the end of the month…it would have been two years if I didn’t have those two stupid lapses.
I am sorry but I don’t have any rosy ‘sober is better’ sobriety speak today. I am just over it all. I know the things I am supposed to do to make me feel better but I’m not doing them. I’m not meditating, exercising, blogging or eating right and I’m also not getting enough sleep.
Had a very weird encounter with a friend that made me feel very shaken, I feel utterly misunderstood and betrayed by her and now I am questioning who I can trust. I also had a mum from school that subscribed to my youtube channel (she meant to link with my daughter) its a long story anyway the point is she saw a bunch of recovery videos and now this little nugget of information is probably going to be all over my kids school in the near future.
I know that drinking will not solve anything and I won’t drink. I can’t afford to drink. I hate it but I just want to crawl out of my own skin at the moment. My head won’t shut up and it’s driving me crazy. Sorry for putting this out there but this is the space I’ve carved out to be totally honest. I am also sorry for not being around much. I’m sure I will feel better tomorrow, just need to sleep early. Tomorrow is another day.