I’m a mess

Warning: This post needs a little violin playing in the background.

I feel like shit. I feel like I should be doing better in recovery than I am. Why can’t I just get my shit together?  Have had several thoughts about drinking. In fact just went to the shop to get fags when what I really wanted was wine.

I’m coming up to a year at the end of the month…it would have been two years if I didn’t have those two stupid lapses.

I am sorry but I don’t have any rosy ‘sober is better’ sobriety speak today. I am just over it all.  I know the things I am supposed to do to make me feel better but I’m not doing them. I’m not meditating, exercising, blogging or eating right and I’m also not getting enough sleep.

Had a very weird encounter with a friend that made me feel very shaken, I feel utterly misunderstood and betrayed by her and now I am questioning who I can trust. I also had a mum from school that subscribed to my youtube channel (she meant to link with my daughter) its a long story anyway the point is she saw a bunch of recovery videos and now this little nugget of information is probably going to be all over my kids school in the near future.

I know that drinking will not solve anything and I won’t drink. I can’t afford to drink. I hate it but I just want to crawl out of my own skin at the moment. My head won’t shut up and it’s driving me crazy. Sorry for putting this out there but this is the space I’ve carved out to be totally honest. I am also sorry for not being around much. I’m sure I will feel better tomorrow, just need to sleep early. Tomorrow is another day.



52 thoughts on “I’m a mess

  1. I am sorry things have been hard for you! Remind yourself these thoughts don’t last forever, and also a year is still early. Let people think what they think. We have no control over that anyway.
    Sending hugs and support!

    Liked by 6 people

  2. I’m glad you did put it here. I hope it helped you. Hopefully the mom who mistakenly connected with you instead of your daughter has the decency to keep it to herself. I hope so for your sake. You have nothing to be ashamed of though. When my son was at his lowest point in his addictions, I had occasion to speak to one of his peers’ mum. She was pretty judgemental and I felt awful…but then I remembered that I knew something she clearly didn’t. Her son was a dealer. Nobody’s got a perfect life but you’re trying to change yours for the better. X

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Even with your relapses you’ve had more sober time than a lot of people. It’s tough about the mum and U Tube, if anything is said hold your head up high and tell them you’re doing something about a situation you don’t like, and if they have a problem width that tough. You know you’re worth more than them, try and get back to your sober supports and give yourself a break. I haven’t managed more than 4 days so WELL DONE YOU. Big hugs xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sorry you’re in a funk, I can relate. Most of the time I’m ok but then alcoholic thinking pops up. I find it really hits around the change of seasons. It sounds like you need some me time and self love. Do something nice for you, you deserve it.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Sober or not shit happens and at times, life sucks. Try to remember that everything is fluid and changes. Do something nice for yourself-something to release the tensions. Massage or finding someone who does tapping.
    You’re doing a huge thing and while it’s the right thing, it’s hard.
    Sending you a big cyber hug❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You say you should be doing better but look at what you did: you are going through a very rough time and eventhough you felt like it, you do/did not drink! That is awesome :-).

    About the YouTube: I can imagine this feels very uncomfortable, I can not come out to the world apart from friends so everything addiction related I do under my FMWBIL account. YouTube makes it difficult to have different names but it is possible. Also, the vids on your list can be set to private mode, so only you can see them. When working under an alias, make sure you have different profile pics so you can see from what profile you reply to stuff – if you do. Also, use an unknown photo for the Google profile which you do not use anywhere else. Otherwise you can be traced back with Google picture search. I like privacy because addiction is such a misunderstood issue in this society and if I speak about it, I would like to be the person telling somebody. I am not sure I can psychologically deal with being confronted with this in a nasty way if do not have my guard up. Which…. is exactly the downside of having secrets; having ones guard up.

    Well, so much about the paranoia. What about: people turning up somewhere normally means they need to be there for a reason. The universe has its own ways. So maybe, maybe, mabye…. the mother herself has an issue with drinking or somebody in her environment. And maybe, just making this a nice story, maybe she found exactly a vid to stimulate her to find help, or say the correct words to her niece or co-worker who has trouble with drinking. Or maybe she has a depression an learned that if YouTube has vids for addiction, it might have vids for depression. She might have a dad who did not quit drinking and now lives in the gutter and be really proud of you that you quit. You never know how things works. Unfortunately, it is part of addictive thinking to always go for the worst possible outcome of a situation. Disaster does not need to happen.

    Shame in me is still pretty big but I am creating room for myself by saying things like “I quit drinking alcohol because I came to a point where I thought ‘if I do not quit now, somewhere in the future it might really get me down’. Have you ever not drank for a while? (then check out their reaction 🙂 ) I got a little fright to find out that it was more difficult than I assumed. So, I am happy that I quit drinking alcohol when I did. I have been looking at alcohol differently ever since.” You could add: “So ever since I am an avid collector of inpirational vids to help me and other people along. I always thought alcohol was fun, turns out it is a pretty addictive poison.” 😦

    In general, what I find most interesting is that I have been called names mostly by people who themself drink the most. Which I tell them right in their face. 😀 And finish off a conversation with saying something like: no need to discuss this, you quit drinking for 3 months, and then we talk.

    So yeah, I do not ‘own’ my story 100% which might be dangerous to me and others. But on the other hand I don’t go out telling I had a VD either… 😉 On the other hand: the more people shut up about addiction, the more shame gets carried around.

    I think you are doing great. Relapsing sucks, but you got on the wagon quickly again which is very, very strong. And you learned from it. Working your way out of addiction is finding an entrance into living, thinking, feeling a life where the substance is not neccessary. That is difficult, sometimes it takes more tries. As ‘me’ says in the comments above: you have had more sobertime than many. Depending on who you believe they say there is a 1 or a 3-5% chance people stay sober first try around. You are doing great. And if you feel there is room for improvement: you are now sober and that actually makes it possible to work on stuff. How cool?!

    Hope you find something in here. Sending you a sweaty but luckily virtual hug. ❤
    Early congrats on your upcoming soberversary.

    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Feeling. I know what you say is true. The stigma is problematic from my chidlrens point of view so I have decided to wait untill they are older. For now I am at peace with the incident. There is nothing I do about it now anyway. At least I know I am sober so that helps enormously. I have double checked all my youtube setting as well. thanks for the tips. You are a great friend. xxxx

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yeah, the children. As a non-mom I do not automatically think of them but I do understand. 🙂 I am happy you are at peace. Things like these can ‘fester’ (is that the word?) long.
        You are sober and that is more that say 90% of the adults around you can say. 🙂
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Awww hunny that sounds awful and all too relatable. Sucks to read you’re having a hard time n going through some hard things… it seems like you know though what’s not good for you even tho you want it… that’s what it wants, tries to get you while your down and weak. Stay strong. Maybe try some exercise and hot yoga, even if you don’t want to. YOU KNOW you’ll feel better afterwards. Keep writing xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am actually playing the tiny violin for you (on my app! You should get it!). But yes, you feel shitty and sometimes you’ll have that. We are who we are– we don’t magically become different people just because we have stopped drinking. Sometimes we’re depressed and that’s totally normal because we’re humans and that’s what life is really like. I SAYETH TO THEE: Go ahead and wallow. Get down in there and really feel sorry for yourself. If you fight it you’re going to obsess. So just muck about it in it. Your brain will eventually tire of it and move on.
    Also: YOU’RE DOING WELL. You are. You are an amazing thoughtful intelligent funny person and this moment does not define you. When I feel like this (and I do!) I remind myself “You won’t always feel this way. This is temporary.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Totally agree. Wallow away! Trying to talk yourself out of how you feel, or trying to ‘shake it off’ never works, IMHO. Just give in for a bit, wail and whine…it’s true, your inner self then thinks, ‘oh, sod it!’ And moves on.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Betty you are so right! I did I wallow for a good 4-5 days and then it got really boring lol. I’m out of the funk and still sober. Can I hear a halleluiah?!
      This is a very good reminder to me to just be aware that the crap times won’t last. Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Yep.! Here I am 4. 1/2 mos sober, last month I felt so strong, like I had come so far and just this week? I’m barely hanging on. Like you several triggering events-falling out with my sister, screw ups at work, feeling as though I just let everyone around me down. Can we have two violins please?
    I have no great insight other than time and again, I have experienced things turning around so quickly. I know I have to ride this wave as best I can , alcohol won’t help, but something else will .. ride it out, you are stronger than you realize!

    Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you- I am doing better. After some reality checking, accepting that things are different and doing what I can to adjust. For some reason I’ve been able to commit to more hiking in just this past 2 weeks. I feel good about that and it helps my energy and mood. Still have much work to do emotionally.. and not drinking is getting more second nature.
        Things have to fall apart before they can be put back together, and stay together

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Sorry to be late to this and I hope you are feeling better now – I’m now over 2 years and it is better – I didn’t have a fantastic early recovery with bells and whistles. There has been a lot of painful stuff to wade through , but it’s better now. Hang in there, one day at a time, you are doing GREAT . 🌷x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Lily. Yes its messy as hell and can feel utterly naked and defenceless dealing with emotions and old patterns of behaviour sober. I wont have it any other way though. Sobriety has given me strenght I didn’t know I had. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Sending hugs. If you “know all the things you are supposed to be doing to make you feel better” why are you not doing ANY of them? I struggle some days, so I feel ya…but forward we go, right? I hope you are feeling better today. I hate those times when I feel crap….soooooo….sending even more hugs and even throwing in a little prayer, because what the hell:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankk you so much. Yes that is the million dollar question! Why am I not doing any of the things that will make me feel better. I’m working on that one. I have some ideas…I feel better today. xxx


  12. It’s been a bit since you posted this, so I hope the wave has passed and that things are a bit smoother for you. I was thinking about how you are nearing a year (or two), and how that brings feelings bubbling up. I heard Laura McCowan say, “I wouldn’t trade it (sobriety) for anything but it’s not always easier.” When the world gets tough the tools we have now take more effort, and we still feel it all straight up which can be exhausting. This post by Lotta Dann about soberversaries has some good insights . http://www.livingsober.org.nz/soberversaries/
    Hope you are well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Deb, thank you for the link. This is such a good post and describes me so well at the moment. I’m proud of the last two years but I’m also feeling flat because of my high excpectations. I excpected more from myself and therein lies the rub. You have just helped me figure out what my depression was actually about! THANK YOU!!!!!


  13. I’ve been thinking about you, HFC. How are you doing? I’m also an angry, disappointed, stressed out mess right now but holy fuck would life get worse if we added all that anxoety on top, and those wolf hours! Or the frantic checking of phone when you wake up the second time at 06:03. We don’t want that, we want to feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I too am nearing a year. Had I not ever relapsed the first time, I would have had four years this past March. Had I not relapsed the second time, I would have three this September. These things are rather insignificant to me. It’s impossible to be all “I’m so blessed to be sober” all the time. My least favorite thing I’ve ever heard people say, and many people say it, is, “My worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk.” I wonder if I will ever relate to that. The truth is that there were, especially in the beginning years, many exceptional days. That’s just me being honest. After a 14 year career teaching, I overdosed, at home. It hit the local newspaper and I was horrified. So I try to be thankful for my struggles, though when I thank God for my struggles, I’m sometimes doing it through clamped teeth. F words may be included. Through time though, there is so much I learn from whatever I am going through. Being blasted in the paper years ago granted me a sort of freedom. I thought everyone hated me, that I was a huge disgrace, but many people have reached out to me in my sobriety both to express support and to ask for help. Those of us who suffer with alcoholism are really strong. We can do anything we choose to do. The only thing I can not do is stop drinking or doing drugs once I start. I can live with that. It’s an illness and I have come to understand that people are more supportive than I could have imagined. My girls are little so I wonder how it will be when they are old enough to be embarrassed of me or my past. I also know that I think more about me than anyone else does. I think you are doing a great job and I love your honesty. Life is a series of seasons and it is pretty hard for me to wade through a yucky time. I mean, part of the reason I wanted to be messed up was to control my feelings, to curb them and be able to get life stuff done. Be gentle with yourself. Sounds like you have all the tools and knowledge to know what we help you get out of this slump. Congrats to us, on the almost year.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Congrats on your year too. Relapses or lapses are so demotivating. Especially if you had a couple of years together but they are our greatest teachers. I agree about the quote, I would have sold my soul on many shitty sober days for a drunk day especially in the beginning. The coming out or being outed is still a matter of contention as I would want to wait till my kids are older. But you know what. People are going to gossip and speculate anyway fuck em. Thank you for being here. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you for bravely going where so few people go. Honesty is so crucial in sobriety and to think that we walk around sober without feeling that monkey on our back is bullshit.

    I hope the writing of it and the feedback from it brought some relief. One of my favorite recovery slogans is a problem shared is halved, and a solution shared is doubled.

    Lean on whoever or whatever you need to. Just don’t pick up. NO MATTER WHAT! Sending lots of love, Mark.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This just shows the reality of the alcoholic mind… it gets easier I guess the more times you get through these tough moments the less exaggerated they feel. But congrats for getting through it and for making it 1 year! you are a miracle. Dont stop =)

    Liked by 1 person

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