(photo credit: Bad moms movie)
Since I got sober my social calendar has slowly started to clear, almost as if a little calendar fairy waved her wand and just made all the parties that used to fill up my time disappear. At first it hurt my feelings, I returned to the school playground in my mind where I was the only one not invited to the most popular girl’s birthday party. You can’t help but feeling left out and excluded.
After the initial sting of rejection faded I started questioning if I really wanted to go to any of those events and the truth is I didn’t… but you know…I would still have liked to have been asked.
The fact is that these parties were ALL about the booze and I really didn’t have anything in common with this group of friends apart from the mutual love of getting completely trolleyed off our faces.
The connection between us was paper-thin as is the connection between all drug addicts. You are BEST MATES while you are getting wasted but don’t expect loyalty or love. This is a bond born and fused in addiction and it is false.
It’s foolish to underestimate the power of the tribal mentality we have around booze and drinking to excess. We share stories of how pissed we got and then share stories of how terribly hung over we all feel the next day, a couple of us would proclaim we are never drinking again…until the next time. There is safety in numbers and there is a feeling of being normal when addicts hang out together. We cant be alcoholics, we all drink like fishes! Some are a tiiiiny bit worse than others and secretly everyone is comparing…
I’ve realised that you can party sober and you can have a marvellous time but for that to happen you need to 1) be with people you really like and have things in common with 2) be in a setting that you are comfortable with
I am also making peace with a quieter life, a steady content way of life that is filled with so much richness, love and deep fulfilment.
Drinking promised me all of the things that sobriety delivers. Sure there are fewer social things but that makes time for other pursuits that really interest me, pastimes that feed my soul. I’m making art again; I’m knitting, cooking and doing yoga.
It takes a while to find your sober feet, so to whoever is on this sober path, don’t despair if it feels like your social life is waning…sobriety is making time and space for you to find true joy and happiness.
Hurrah for coffee! 
This is a great blog. My son, at the tender age of 20, used to tell me that his mates were “snakes, not mates”, because he’d worked this out. I was very proud of him for that.
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Your son is very wise! xxx
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I know. Unfortunately he’s now given me up too. I know it’s not for the same reasons, but it hurts. It was great to read your take on this though! X
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I’m sorry to hear that. I don’t know if this helps but I stopped talking to my dad for a long time around that age, I may have been a bit younger. Our relationship is fine now. Hope you two can find a way to make amends. xxx
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Thank you. He has a terrible relationship with his dad, but we were close. I have no idea why he’s stopped contacting me but we haven’t fallen out at all. Sorry…it does hurt terribly, but I shouldn’t be spilling my guts on such a positive blog. Sorry x
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Dont be silly…not all of this blog is positive. there are a lot of entrails (mine) all over some of these posts:) I’m sure he will be in touch..if you haven’t fallen out you are bound to hear from him.xxx
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I needed to read this so thank you. Insightful
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That is always nice to hear:) xxx
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🙂
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Oh man, this is the story of my life right now. I’ve stopped trying to make them hang out with me because our plans would always fall through due to their drinking… either too hungover or would slip into oblivion with drinks and blow off our plans, it still hurts my feelings. It’s funny though- I don’t know if they even notice. I’ve also figured out that these relationships probably would have ended years ago if I had remained living here. We were connected by drunken phone calls and short visits… now that I am back, it’s a different story and I suppose too much accountability for what really aren’t friendships. I don’t know, it’s just different and it sucks.
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Yes it’s not easy. Humans are wired to be social and all too often when we decide to quit we’ve only gone and surrounded ourselves with other addicts.x
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So true.
I believed contentment is the goal of life. The idea one would be happy all the time seems tiring and false.
I occasionally still get that left out feeling, but I just can’t be bother to go to big drinking parties. I would rather read a book. Lol
When I first got sober I looked at a few of my friends and wondered who they were. A few are bitter and mean. I suppose I was too.
Not anymore.
Anne
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You cant be happy all the time, totally agree. This new life is more steady and balanced. I LOVE IT. Gone is the chaos and high drama that comes with addiction. Reading a book sounds good to me:)
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I so love your posts. My huge sensitivity since childhood has always been being “left out” and I’m finding as I try to travel this road of sobriety that my social life is so much quieter. I like quiet – but as you said, it’s nice to be invited sometimes. I love the thought that sobriety is making room for me to find true joy and happiness. It’s been a long time since I’ve known either. Thank you for sharing your blog 🙂
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Give it time, its going to be awesome you will see. xxxx
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thank you for sharing this! i go back and forth on this issue…your line about wanting to at least have been invited i totally relate to! i feel like since stopping drinking i spend much more time on my own, and I’m trying to figure out how to ‘make friends’ as an adult without booze, you know? it’s hard!!!
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It’s bloody hard! Especially if you live in a place where drinking till drunk really is the norm. xx
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Ooh I got a little shiver down my spine when I read “Drinking promised me all of the things that sobriety delivers.” I’ve read similar comments before but that struck me right time, right place, message received!!
Loving your work Hurrah, loving your work.
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Hey Ginger, its a great quote (not mine) but man its so true. I look so much better since I stopped drinking and one of the reasons I drank so much when out was to numb how shit I felt about myself, my weight and my complextion. Also I thought it made me smart and funny but I am much more entertaining now that can actually use the braincells I have left:)
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It’s so true, I have learned to be happier with a calmer life being sober, and that’s really ok.
Now the thought of having to dress up after 5 drives me nuts!
I’ve learned to find a new connection with people during the daytime…walks, coffee, and yoga.
xo
Wendy
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I know! Dressing up after 5 in anything other than my lovely pajamas makes me slightly sad:)
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Oh, I so get this! I feel resentful and left out to not be invited but at the same time I really don’t want to be around other people loudly extolling “wine o’clock” while actually drinking wine. It really puts a microscope on how we rationalize drinking even while you are taking the first sip, the chemically induced enthusiasm that makes things seems more exciting when it is really just sitting and numbing, each alone in our own heads. I relish my quiet nights and still have fun attending events where alcohol isn’t the only focus, in fact I am more active in seeking them out since I have no worries about driving or feeling shitty the next day. Thanks for this post!
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This needs to go on a t-shirt : “the chemically induced enthusiasm that makes things seems more exciting when it is really just sitting and numbing, each alone in our own heads” This is exactly it! xxxx
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During the final leg of my, ahem, alcoholic career, I spent every night alone drinking and smoking on my balcony. So I’m probably more social now than I have been in a long time. And I assure you that is NOT saying much. I’m with Wendy, I prefer day time and occasional early evening connections. More me time that way 😀
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Yip, when i look back now, the last year of mine I did pretty much the same. In fact when I did go out I was totally paranoid becasue I wasnt sure if I would behave myself, didnt trust myself at all. I prefer day time too, getting up earlier these days and going to bed earlier, one of the many perks of sobriety:)
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One of the SO many!!
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“During the final leg of my, ahem, alcoholic career, I spent every night alone drinking and smoking on my balcony” – Ain’t that the truth!
We think we are giving up our social life but when drinking takes an emotional hold we are not social at all. Even if we are with lots of people, all we need to do is listen to the conversation and it isn’t one – it is just who can get the most airtime talking about what interests them.
Great comment 🙂
M x
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That’s for sure! Another thing I do not miss about drinking– other drunks!
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Absolutely agree. Another aspect is that my remaining friendships are truer and closer because I am more honest and open – and also because I don’t, you know, HATE MYSELF anymore. Being friends with someone who hates themself is not an easy road. Xx
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Yes Prim, I know exactly what you mean. When you hate yourself you are totally unforgiving of other people, mean and bitter. xxx
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My “best friend” of 35(!) years disappeared after just 3 months of me stopping. It was painful for a long time but now I kind of think it’s funny. You know deep inside you are missing NOTHING 🙂🙂 You have great self awareness which will keep you honest S x
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That is terrible! Such a long friendship just evaporating overnight. The addiction does really strange things to people. xxx
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Yeah, it was fairly painful, but I’m totally ok with it now. I’ve made some fantastic friends in sobriety s x
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Sorry that should have read 25 years…still x
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I would rather sit and cross stitch some stupid chickens (my current project) than go out, spend too much money, then feel riddled with guilt for about a week.
Love what Wendy said about people getting used to it and accepting, I have found that to be so true. When I was drinking I would spend so much time working out how much I was drinking, how much the others were drinking, would I be able to get two more rounds in, is anyone noticing I am drinking faster, will they just hurry up, can I still drive etc – what a waste of bloody time and energy.
Can we believe that intelligent educated people do this for hours – I did.
Michelle xxx
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I love stupid chickens! They are the BEST! XXX
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I am finding that with cleaning my side of the street I am also cleaning house. Things and people who served me before and that I served with my drinking antics just aren’t a part of my story anymore. It hurts, but friendships forged as the real me are proving to be deeper and stronger. x
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Quality over quantity, totally agree. Meet up soon? xxx
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I’ve had some friends and family members get sober. I felt guilty that I missed how easy it was before hand. And yes, that tribal feeling of having gone through something bad together when all we really did was stumble home drunk, that was both stupid and comfortable. Now we actually have to go hiking or work out or play card games. It’s better and everyone is healthier. The old way was just easy, not good.
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I have other real friends that have admitted to missing the old me. They feel bad about it but I don’t blame them. They only miss the illusion of the me they thought they knew. The one that was carefree when drunk and fun to hang out with while doing shots of tequila. In the beginning I missed that too but I had to look at this thing without rose tinted glasses the ruthless truth is something entirely more dark. The story reveals an addiction that was eating me up alive. The real friends still like to hang out with me and yes we find other healthier tings to do with our time. Thank you for commenting. xxx
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You’ll find your tribe….I promise you. Knitters make a great group of friends. Besides you NEED a new tribe that will take care of you.
Get on Ravelry! Go to your local yarn store. Craftsy has amazing online knitting classes – you can take one for the price of a bottle of wine and you own it for life.
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