Craaaaving

angel
So yesterday I had one of the strongest cravings I’ve had since I quit. I was at my desk working, listening to some music and it just hit me out of nowhere. “Wine! I need wine, I need to drink wine, I need relief, I need to let go!”

I have been going through a really stressful time. Working all the hours God sends, looking after kids on my own while hubs was on hols. Of course, when he came back he admitted that he drank on the trip.

This hamster wheel of sobriety/drinking that we’ve been on in the last 10 years, when he started drinking again I started right back there with him.

Not this time baby! Aint no way I’m going there again.

I didn’t engage with the thought. I didn’t rationalise or even deny.  This is where I usually would start having a conversation in my head that would go like this:

Alcohol voice: I need wine.

Voice of logic: You can’t have wine, you are addicted. This never ends well for you.

Alcohol voice: But I’ve had such a stressful time and I deserve some relief, the ONLY thing that will give me the relief is wine.

Voice of logic: No! You want to be sober, it’s better for you. You love your sober self and your sober life.

Alcohol voice: If hubs is going to get plastered you have the right to get plastered too! He can’t have fun without you. Why does he get to drink and I can’t?

Voice of logic: You really shouldn’t it’s bad for you. You are addicted and you can’t control it.

Alcohol voice: Fuck it! Fuck it all! Life’s short, you deserve a break. This whole thing is in your head, you are totally fine, everyone drinks!

Voice of logic: Now that you put it like that, I have been very stressed and everyone around us drinks. Yes fuck it! Bring ALL THE BOOZE YOU HAVE.

This would trigger a relapse that could last for months or even years.

Instead of having a conversation with the craving I just accepted it, breathed and waited for it to go. The thought got smaller and smaller and disappeared. It took about 15 minutes for it to go away completely.

Still sober baby!

xoxox

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

44 thoughts on “Craaaaving

  1. I have had all those arguments in my head at one time. The famous ” fuck it” moment, poor me blah de fucking blah. Well done, you really want and deserve your sobriety…sending a big hug X

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Today we had friends over for dinner. Watching everyone drink from an ice cold bottle of chardonnay made me crave wine for the first time in months. I could taste it, feel its effects on me. I didn’t go down that path but it sure was hard saying no.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ah it does get better, doesn’t it? Killing the thoughts with logic works when one has some sober momentum. I find it so interesting to see how others drink now and notice that even “normies” seem a bit addicted to me. The observation of the behavior (which I keep to myself) seems to help me greatly in maintaining my sobriety. I just don’t want to be a slave to drinking anymore and I feel more and more free from it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I agree, observing other drinkers can be one of the greatest motivators to stay sober. I find when I engage with the thoughts at all even with logic it doesn’t work, eventually willpower runs out an the ‘fuckit’ moment happens. Observing the thought and just letting it BE there works. Then there is a degree of presence, there is some space around the thought or craving and I realise this is what it is. Instead of being swept away in the thought stream. If I have no conscious presence in that moment I have no chance of staying sober.

      Like

  4. Oh, I want to punch him in the nose for you! I hate that guy! I agree with Feeling. He’s not allowed to speak anymore. It’s a wasted conversation that can create self doubt. It’s also exhausting. A strong “Nope” feels much better and much more powerful. Better yet, just slam the door in his face. 🕺 xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ahh! The voices! Yes. I know them all too well. They are distinctly different. My sober voice is as meek as a mouse, but always right on point. Listening to it over the drunk voice has changed my world. Great post.

    But, furthermore, hurrah, great recovery! So happy to read that you had that craving and moved on to better things…like writing great posts!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks Mark. The cravings are few these days but this one knocked me out of the park with how strong it was! So unexcpected and ‘seemingly’ out of nowhere. But when I take a closer look I can see what triggered it: stress, tiredness, the fact that it was friday, the music I was listening to and my husband being there (we drank together all the time). xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s definitely a recipe for a trigger. Glad you had the wherewithal to see it for what it was. It’s amazing how strong those cravings are and how weak they become once the sort of ‘heat of the moment’ passes.

        Like

  6. I hate those craving voices. They are always lying and full of shit. Congratulations on fighting back. Everyday I’m more convinced Addiction is a bully who needs his nose broken.

    Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Having just gone through a craving myself, I sure relate!
    I am SO glad you talked back to the evil little liar voice.
    That’s my first step, and then I breathe, just like you did.
    You are on a path of self-love.
    Drinking would only bring you to loathing.
    I’m here cheering you on, babe!!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  8. It’s interesting how we all get the same thoughts.
    It just be thought to have a partner who is also a drinker.
    But you know yourself. Go back and read some of your old blogs and remember you never have to feel that ways again.

    Just don’t drink. Do whatever it takes. You definitely don’t need poison to relax. Bubble baths work great.

    Hug
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hate cravings and an attack of the ‘fuck its’! You are so strong to breath through it and not giving it a conversation. Just ‘cos others drink doesn’t mean you have to. You are on your own journey ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m glad you got through and didn’t start arguing with he craving. Thats when it always comes unravelled for me. I have these exact conversations. Exact.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. “Everyone drinks!” Yeah, well. It’s like the Valentine’s Day lament heard by unhappily single people, angry at all the lovebirds they see walking down the street. Everyone else gets that happiness except me. But if you were to look behind all those closed doors…… nope. Lots of pain and struggle. It’s the same with drinking. Zillions of people may drink, but for a mighty proportion of those zillions it also sucks. They struggle. They wonder. They kick themselves. I know you know — I just thought I’d type it out so our inner addicts could read it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yes I totally agree! In fact I the two people I know that can have one glass of wine don’t actually like the taste of effect at all. I suspect they only drink to fit it. The rest can’t have a good time without it and depend on it to de-stress. They may be higher up on the addiction slide but they are sliding one way and that is down. Its that idea of the ‘happy, lucky normal drinker’ that keeps a lot of us from seeking help. This mythical creature get’s to have the best of of all worlds. Eventually addiction kicks in because alcohol is a highly addictive substance not just for the unlucky few ‘defective alcoholics’ amongst us but for human beings in general.xxx

      Like

  12. Ha! I think we all have those. We’re alcoholics for Pete’s sake (at least I am!), so that’s what we do. But I have to have little convos like that, or even better, just tell it to shut up and leave me alone. The longer I ruminate on them, the more power I give the ego / illness. It will try to slip in always. Just be vigilant. I find that they come out of nowhere and are not “triggered” by anything. Just random.

    Great job and thanks for sharing this 🙂

    Like

  13. Only on my 3rd day this time around. But I felt that way last night. I saw a picture of wine and instantly had a craving. But about 15 minutes later I felt more in control and made myself go to bed to reduce further temptation. Thanks for sharing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s