Blackout drunk

I had one of those vivid dreams where you wake up in a cold sweat.

In the dream I was driving my car on the highway in a blackout, when I regained consciousness my car was in a ditch and police had surrounded the car. I was very drunk and disoriented and the police kept shouting at me to wake the “f” up!

I got a DUI and they took my licence away. The worst part of the whole dream was the embarrassment of everyone in my neighbourhood and children’s school knowing that I’m an alcoholic.

I woke up drenched in sweat and panic, I checked my breath (in case I’d forgotten that I drank or something) and double-checked my surroundings. It was just a dream thank God! I cannot begin to explain the relief I felt.

I had so many blackouts when I was active in my addiction. I would black out and then be out partying for hours, walking talking doing crazy shit. I looked like I was there but ‘I’ wasn’t there at all. My husband could spot the sign of a blackout after a while, he said my eyes would get this vacant look and he just knew.

Initially, the blackouts were reserved for hectic drinking sessions when a lot of booze was consumed.

The last year of my drinking, ‘the scary year’ I call it, I started blacking way more regularly.

Generally, a blackout is described as a period of unconsciousness or lack of awareness when you are unable to recall what happened or what you did.

It’s the most harrowing thing waking up with no recollection of what you did. It’s like some shadowy creature of the night took possession of you. This imposter who would say and do really dangerous things, left in charge of the only vehicle you have to navigate your life with. It’s just ludicrous!

Those nights are consigned to the void, it’s time lost that I will never get back. What an utterly miserable pastime drinking is…half-consciousness, inebriation and blurry memories with big black holes in them.

I won’t go into all of the things I did or said when I was in blackouts; that would be a very long list indeed.

I will say that alcohol renders the drinker entirely vulnerable. Your faculties are all impaired so if you are out in that state you are a target.

One of the most amazing gifts of sobriety is those two minutes before you are completely awake…those two minutes used to be spent piecing the last night’s events together, desperately trying to remember what I did, said or how I got to bed.

These days I say thank you, thank you for not having drunk the night before, thank you for waking up sober, thank you, thank you, thank you…

Spending the first two minutes of my day in gratitude instead of regret and confusion is absolutely everything to me.

Advertisements

41 thoughts on “Blackout drunk

  1. Oh my gosh…how I don’t miss those nights/mornings. I had way more black-out nights than I care to admit. I am so grateful now for a wonderful nights sleep and to wake up with a happy heart 🙂 Keep up the good work ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In the year before I decided to stop, I was having brief blackout periods. And even THAT, when we are in the grip of the craving, we can try to brush off . Amazing, isn’t it – the level of damage/severity that we will ourselves to ignore? But with the decision to stop came the realization that I might be jumping off the tracks just before the locomotive hit…thankfully!

    I also had a vivd dream this week where I was drinking – first time it’s happened to me, though from what I’ve read it seems a pretty common experience for a lot of us. It WAS awful! I felt so bad about myself, realizing what a bad thing I was doing (in the dream). What a relief to wake up and realize all was well and I was still living in ‘the new me.’

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Awesome post. I, too, am a black-outer when I drink too much. Hubby thinks it’s crazy how I can seem to be functioning, maybe a bit tipsy, and then I don’t remember anything. I’ve just been so lucky over the years that I didn’t get into any “major” pickles. I got married young and the met a new man right away after my divorce so perhaps it’s because I haven’t been on my own, out drinking with friends much. Amen for that I guess.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree completely.
    I used to wake up, check for my phone and jewelry and try
    to figure out how I got to bed.
    Sometimes I knew. Often I didn’t.

    I wasn’t always a nice drunk person. It took a while for my kids to stop expecting me to over react to everything.

    The peace of mind of sobriety is just so awesome.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I will take ten hangovers over one blackout. Frightening to know that my body kept on going while my mind was gone. The panic and terror of trying to piece together the night was horrific. But thankfully those days are over. I will never miss those terrible days. And like Anne mentioned, I too was not a nice or “fun” drunk.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Toward the end I just became a zombie drunk. Really quiet and reserved. I remember that feeling so well, it felt like I was sinking into a dark tunnel everything in my peripheral vision was black. ‘Closing up like a telescope’ I called it. Think that’s from Alice in Wonderland…x

      Like

  6. I had one of those dreams recently as well. I remember feeling grateful, after I realized that I was going to get a DUI, because at least it was over, meaning the drinking and hiding. I had been exposed to the world, and I was going to jail. I felt like I had been both dreading this and waiting for it to happen for a long time.
    And then I woke up. Just like you, shaky, but so grateful.
    Thanks for reminding me of this beautiful gift. I sometimes forget to appreciate the simple act of waking up sober.
    xoxo!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I wonder if that means that I’m still ashamed. Why was I so mortified in my dream? Maybe I haven’t really dealt with my shame completely. The shame of being exposed to the community that I live in I mean…. things to think about…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Or maybe it’s a dream to keep you on track … kind of a warning. Like the ghost who shows the future in A Christmas Carol. (Repeat in ghostly voice): Stay the course or THIS is what’s ahead of you ….

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes you are so right. I very rarely drove under the influence (may have done it twice) but I have driven in the moring after a massive night so that must count because if you drink that much you are still drunk in the morning. It was only a matter of time and bound to happen that the driving thing became part of the new normal. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  7. It’s been a long time since I had one of those dreams. And it’s been even longer since I blacked out. It all seems so incredible to me now, that we just kept on drinking after blacking out and not only blacking out the first time, oh no, in my case I kept on going for years. I guess this can serve as a reminder of how terribly afraid we must have been. How totally consumed by fear of living life sober that we preferred the anxiety of waking up in the morning and trying to put together the evening before. Arh, that ANGST. I still have this one evening I play over and over again, or actually I don’t play it over again in my mind because it’s gone but it is the blackness, the nothingness of it that I keep on returning to. I can’t think of it without breaking out in a sweat. And the thing is I have no idea if I messed up, if I made a fool of myself, what I said or did (apparently I did dance though and that’s never a good sign). And I still meet these people regularly and every time I think of that night and wonder what I did. And I will never know. Oh my dear. Now I’m feeling grateful for sobriety again. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I think I’d rather die than make that call/write that text. I always went for the cheery fake ladida and maybe a ‘oh dear that really was quite the party, eh?’ And just PRAY they wouldn’t say anything. But then again all those nights at home where I never could remember how the evening ended, all those mornings waking up and just feeling that my husband was oissed off for something and I would have no idea what happened. I’m so happy I never have to do that shit again. And here we are, soberneering the crap out of this Saturday. YAY US!

        Liked by 3 people

  8. So happy that this was just a dream for you! The mornings after blackouts were terrible, so scary trying to piece together the night before and waiting for someone to be mad because of something that was said or done that I had no recollection of. I blacked out frequently the last few years of drinking. I’ve woken up from similar dreams, just filled with dread, laying there silently trying to figure out if it actually happened or was just a dream. Yikes. ((big hugs)). Congrats on still being sober ❤

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s