Groundlessness – Hide the whiskey, mama needs to breathe through this shit.

/ Hurrahforcoffee

So you know that 12 steppers advise not to make any major changes in the first year of sobriety?

This is sensible advice because getting sober is a full time job without having additional stress going on. Sometimes life just doesn’t work like that and we are forced to make these changes before we are ‘strictly speaking’ ready or strong enough to deal.

My husband recently quit his job and is planning to freelance. I am a freelancer. The thing about freelancing is that there is no guarantee about a paycheck at the end of the month and income varies greatly from month to month.

I was and still am very sure that it’s a good thing he quit BUT the reality of not having the steady income each month is freaking me out. I am getting really bad anxiety and feel generally ON EDGE.

I am future tripping into my bag lady future on an almost hourly basis.

I am feeling very exposed and utterly unsure about everything. Not just the money, just life in general. I can be diagnosed with an awful disease tomorrow one of my kids can get sick. My husband can keel over from a heart attach at any time. The world is such an uncertain place, nothing seems solid to me anymore.

All of these things can happen at any time and how will I cope? This is the groundlessness Pema talks about. This is scaring the shit out of me. This is where we are faced with reality in all its fucking uncertain glory!

There is no escape from the groundlessness of being. This is the nature of life.

We want to cling to something to give us security and hate it when things change but change is the only constant and ultimately the resistance to change creates the suffering.

I want to drown myself in a bottle of whiskey and just curl up and hide from all of this. I don’t have that option anymore. I have to face this, sit with this groundlessness, this exposed insecurity and breathe through it.

Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what’s waiting out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.Pema Chödrön

40 thoughts on “Groundlessness – Hide the whiskey, mama needs to breathe through this shit.”

  2. I hear you! I am forever worrying about the unknown. I only have to watch a programme on tv about a casualty department and I become convinced that something awful is going to come along and wipe out my entire family. I once read a postcard in a shop that just said ‘Worrying is the worst waste of your imagination’. And it’s true! Planning for very real possibilities is sensible and organised….Worrying never helped anyone. Easier said than done I know! Sometimes when I am feeling helpless, I find it quite de-stressing to just look up to the sky, throw my hands out and say aloud “YOU deal with it then” (and mean it!) Leave it up to the ways of the universe and wash our hands of the control aspect. Big hugs xxxxxxxxxx

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  4. Breathe and try not to focus on any of that stuff. Yes anything could happen but nothing probably will.

    When it comes to employment I have always been far too relaxed. I do believe everything happens for a reason and when one door closes another one opens. I also know from taking a few years off when I had the kids just how much less a family can live on when there is less money. The more you earn the more you spend…well for me anyway.

    Sending relaxing vibes your way.

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  5. I’m feeling the same way. I have several big issues in my life now that I can’t control. Not being in control doesn’t sit well with me. My mind has been going to catastrophic places several times a day. I keep telling myself to stay in the present and I remind myself that a bottle of red will not help ( in the long term). Hang in there.

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  6. I get it! It’s terrifying. We both run a business together as well – and it’s the “all your eggs in one basket” shit that is terrifying. Hang in there, it’s not worth a drink. Plus ” future tripping into my bag lady future” made me smile. “Future tripping” is my new favourite term.

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  7. I feel you. When you find yourself going down the rabbit hole, real yourself back in and take some deep breaths and continue on with the things you can do about your situation, like staying sober and doing your work…. everything will be ok. It has to be, no other choice. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

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  8. Awwwww. I empathize with your anxiety. But….if everything is ok RIGHT THIS MINUTE, then I guess you just have to focus on/appreciate that. Kind of awful to let the ‘good of right now’ be overshadowed by ‘a lot of maybe.’

    Growing up with next to no money was such a blessing in its way…because the times I’ve had to really focus on ‘economizing’ (a word we learned as children😊)….it was almost a challenge, to realize: i can do this!! And tightening the pursestrings re-emerges as second nature.

    Sitting here, thinking abt your post…..it’s that feeling of control, or not having it, that is the most anxiety-provoking, yes? So perhaps making a list of all the things you CAN control at the moment, would help? Sending lots of good thoughts!

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  9. I had to read the post again, Hurrah, when i saw you were aiming for “groundlessness” instead of “groundedness”. I think that is a real cool turn of the phrase or saying.

    I am totally one who followed that advice. I didn’t do anything crazy for a year. lived a total hermit’s life. Just read a lot and worked at a convenience store. It worked for me then. Was just what I needed. Some time to myself. But that was just me and where I was at the time.

    I am so sorry you’re feeling “on edge”. I know the future tripping anxiety very well. I feel it everyday, with these day care bills and everything else. Nothing seems to add up. The numbers don’t. There’s a lot about my finances I need to “let go of.”

    It’s like one of the promises. We will lose the “fear of financial insecurity.” It doesn’t say we won’t have financial insecurity, just lose the fear of it. Very tricky the way these things are worded, I find.

    Great post and I’m thinking of you today! Wishing some calm comes your way.

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    • Thank you so much Mark. You are so right about the way we talk about money and security. The language we use around it implies that we need it to be secure but even the most secure money can just dissapear in an instant, just look at the banking crisis. Aaaargh numbers and money. Need to play the lottery:)

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  10. Change is scary and exhilarating. It’s so hard to pull back from the horrible fears of the worst.
    Perhaps try to imagine the absolute best as well. And realize neither image is likely to be true. It will be something altogether different!

    Deep breaths. You are ok.

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  11. I understand your anxiety, I have just been there myself, luckily without the responsibilities for kids, which makes a big difference but still. Yeah. What can I say. I actually think you are already dealing very well; you recognise your anxiety/fear, know where it comes from, know how far it reaches, know that these feelings could, if you do not take care, drive you to drink, so you do take care. That is all GREAT! Very to the point. 🙂 You are a smart, resourcefull woman. Undoubtedly your man is equally smart. You will be ok, have faith. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

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  12. i can so relate to this–my thoughts are with you. I was laid of from my job in my first month of sobriety…it was a VERY hard time. We ended up moving cross country without jobs and it was so tough. I’m now on the other side and I can look back and see that things will and do work out–because they have to! 😉 You can only control what is going on right now…and I know how hard it is to fight the temptation to worry about things (umm…and to reach for the whiskey bottle..that was also my drink of choice…), but your energy can be better used! I promise. ❤ Hang in there…things will come into place and a year from now you will look back on this transition and see how many amazing things were waiting for you! ❤ sending you thoughts of strength and peace.

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  13. Anxiety sucks. I am experiencing the same thing myself right now. Is it PAWS, I don’t know but can see how easy it would be to drink it away sometimes. All you can do is to continue in the self help that you already do. Mindfulness, meditation etc etc. I am reading a lot on meditation and I just need to start doing it now. Scientific studies show the benefits of the altered brain waves shown by those having done long term meditation. I gotta stop reading about it and do it!!! In regard to finances, one thing that I have learned from being poor more often than not is that I can live frugally when I want to. The thrill of picking up a bargain at the supermarket beats having more money than sense and spending without looking at price tags. It really really does! Give me a Reduced To Clear sticker on a packet of meat marked down by 80 percent any day!! Then when I get some money in my hand again I find myself doing the usual, don’t care about the price, pay whatever they want syndrome return. Not good!

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  14. It is a scary world, but then I think it’s always been scary, and I was too busy or young to notice.When we really look at what we can control, it’s not much.
    We can make the best plans, and things can go bad…or good, or the plans don’t work.
    And I really do find that most of the things I worry about don’t happen.
    Most of the time, things work out okay.
    Hugs,
    Wendy

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  15. I get anxiety over certain issues as well. Money isn’t one I normally get worked up about, but is has been something lately. I don’t know why. I am doing okay for myself and my wife is getting a lot more work (she runs her own business) so it’s subsiding a bit, but it’s strange that I would worry. Someone here mentioned about getting by with less. I am sure that is the case. I think if one of us lost our jobs, we would be alright. We’d budget for it.

    But I like what you said about the groundlessness. It’s rare / elusive that place where everything is exactly as we want it to be. There is always *something* and like a boss of mine once said to me – expect the unexpected. I use that when shit starts hitting the fan. And of course, no need to drink over it!

    Blessings
    Paul

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  16. Hurrah, everyone has given you such great advice. I hope that this is the start of something great for you guys – a grand adventure!
    When nothing is certain, everything is possible.
    Change can be really really scary. (except for some people who thrive on it. unicorns.) I hope that this change works out to be really good. Who knows, maybe your hubby will decide after 3 months that he hates freelancing and an absolutely amazing, better paying job will fall into his lap.
    ❤

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  17. I don’t feel so alone after this wonderfully written post and all the comments. Thank you for this. Side effects of newly prescribed bp meds are also adding layers of lethargy and making already bad anxiety worse. Hugs for us all.

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  18. Hurrah I think you may have GAD Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is often joked about as the people who worry about worrying. Some worry is always good as it is how we used to protect ourselves in caveman days, worry about snakes in long grass, worry about securing enough food or keeping warm in winter. When the worry takes over and hijacks our brain that’s when we need to try and reign it in a bit but how? Breathing is good, so are some affirmations about being in the moment. “All is well everything is ok right now, in this moment I am safe” just make yourself consciously recognise that in this moment you are ok, breathing, fed, warm etc.
    I’ve been absent from reading for a while, doing a catch up today.

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  19. Wow, very scary – keep true, you’ll have to deal with what ever comes even if you do drink; and in that case, it will only be harder to handle. You are going to be one resilient chick after learning how to deal with this level of angst. Here for you and sending best earning wishes!

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