I’ve been thinking a lot about last year December. We were in South Africa visiting our families. The day we landed we went to our high school reunion with old friends. My mom took the kids. It was a wild night of enormous amounts of booze and other things. When I woke up the next morning I heard this voice say. “This is the beginning of the end” I heard it as if it were someone speaking next to my ear as clear as a bell. Throughout 2015 I heard that voice say those words many times. It started softly but became louder towards the end. The voice would come when I woke up after a blackout, when I saw bruises I didn’t remember getting and when I did something embarrassing.
When I heard the voice that morning I was shaking. My hands were shaking so much I couldnt hide it anymore! I STRUGGLED to drink my coffee. Every morning I woke up with the shakes. I tried to rationalise it and kept saying to myself, come one you’re on holiday, everyone is drinking! You can’t be shaking because of the booze? I was just mortified, my body didn’t want to cooperate in the farce anymore. It got so bad that I couldn’t drink coffee with my mum one morning for fear of her seeing my hands trembling. I am just astounded that I even continued running in the mornings with these shaky hangovers in the blazing African heat. I almost passed out one day from the exhaustion.
I started my drinking more towards 11 o ‘clock in the mornings that holiday and then napped at 2. Woke up at 4 and got into it again untill I passed out. I wasnt present with my family who I miss so much! I was fucked up all the time and can hardly remember any of it. New years day I had to start drinking at 9 in the morning just to cope. luckily we had a day of outdoor things on where everyone was drinking early.
As I am reading this back I realise how bad it was and how I was holding on to that denial for dear life! I was in a very dark place. I just need to pause and really come to terms with that.
I don’t have any grand plans for 2017. My grandest plan is to stay sober no matter what the hell life throws at me. That’s it. And that is enough for now.