The beginning of the end

I’ve been thinking a lot about last year December. We were in South Africa visiting our  families. The day we landed we went to our high school reunion with old friends. My mom took the kids. It was a wild night of enormous amounts of booze and other things. When I woke up the next morning I heard this voice say. “This is the beginning of the end” I heard it as if it were someone speaking next to my ear as clear as a bell.  Throughout 2015 I heard  that voice say those words many times. It started softly but became louder towards the end. The voice would come when I woke up after a blackout, when I saw bruises I didn’t remember getting and when I did something embarrassing.

When I heard the voice that morning I was shaking. My hands were shaking so much I couldnt hide it anymore! I STRUGGLED to drink my coffee. Every morning I woke up with the shakes. I tried to rationalise it and kept saying to myself, come one you’re on holiday, everyone is drinking! You can’t be shaking because of the booze? I was just mortified, my body didn’t want to cooperate in the farce anymore. It got so bad that I couldn’t drink coffee with my mum one morning for fear of her seeing my hands trembling. I am just astounded that I even continued running in the mornings with these shaky hangovers in the blazing African heat. I almost passed out one day from the exhaustion.

I started my drinking more towards 11 o ‘clock in the mornings that holiday and then napped at 2. Woke up at 4 and got into it again untill I passed out. I wasnt present with my family who I miss so much! I was fucked up all the time and can hardly remember any of it. New years day I had to start drinking at 9 in the morning just to cope. luckily we had a day of outdoor things on where everyone was drinking early.

As I am reading this back I realise how bad it was and how I was holding on to that denial for dear life! I was in a very dark place. I just need to pause and really come to terms with that.

I don’t have any grand plans for 2017. My grandest plan is to stay sober no matter what the hell life throws at me. That’s it. And that is enough for now.

 

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23 thoughts on “The beginning of the end

  1. That could easily be my New Years you’re describing. Or any other day of the week. As painful as that was to read, I am grateful for the reminder of just how precious this miracle is. And it is a miracle that I could have been so lost, and somehow climbed out, though I never could for long in the past.

    You’ve given me a perfect focus for 2017. Thank you, dear friend. ; )
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think most of us who are here reading your wonderful post have experienced one of more of your new years day type of days. Its wonderful to know we are past all of that and on the brink of a new amazing world where we love ourselves and actually honor ourselves and our self worth. Great post!

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    • Thank you Mrs S. Sometimes I feel like I’m over sharing but I need to remember the truth and want to document it before the memories fade. It was a trap and stripped my self-confidence until there was nothing left. Yes I am looking forward to learning how to honour and love myself. xxx

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  3. Thank you for airing some tough truths about yourself. So important, I think, to keep these memories fresh in our mind. I hope I never forget the shakes. The DTs. Those damn psych ward slippers. I can never forget where I came from so I can keep heading in the right direction. Thanks for this! Happy new year.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Isn’t it incredible, with hindsight, what we used to put up with and accept as the norm in our lives? Bonkers stuff. And yes, we do need to remember how bad it got, it’s an important deterrent!!! Go you, for making that amazing change. Red xx

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  5. This post describes exactly where I used to be. Only this morning I was thinking about how I used to feel so bad in the mornings, and how I am now amazed I managed to drag myself through every day, day after day to survive xxx

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  6. The last two times I drank the hangover was so bad I was puking, shaking, couldn’t keep water down let alone coffee and one time actually thought I was going to have a heart attack. Very telling this week when both George Michael and Carrie Fisher died early due to heart related issue probably brought on by past/current addictions. As I sit here today, coffee in hand I know that I never, ever want to go back to that again but I know that all of us a just one poor decision away from getting sucked back in.
    That S.A. visit with family sounds like the beginning of the end indeed but ultimately it brought you to here and today and I hope you can plan another trip where you can fully absorb and be present.
    As you can tell I am catching up on the last few weeks reading.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Love your blog! Thank you for your brutal honesty. It’s the only way. There is no room in sobriety for excuses and rationalizations! Here’s to 2017 – ALLLL of it – even the yucky parts – which we’ll remember, at least!

    Liked by 1 person

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