So I’m feeling a bit better and I’ve had time to process last weekend’s events.
It would be easy for me to play the victim here but I have to acknowledge my part in the whole thing, if I am to move past this.
I have an enormous amount of rage in me. It’s a rage that I haven been bottling up for years. It’s a rage that is surfacing now that I’m not anaesthetising myself anymore.
Personal responsibility means I have to be truthful and say that the violence was not one sided and was as much from me as the other the other person.
This is hard for me to acknowledge but necessary.
Why the rage? I don’t really know I’m trying to find that out. I had a very angry and explosive father and the way I learned to deal with that later on in life is by getting angry back. Fight first, ask questions later.
As soon as I became a mother I drank my angry feeling away, I literally swallowed them whole and they obviously festered. The anger is still there it was just hiding underneath the alcohol-induced haze.
Symptomatic anger covers up the pain of our “core hurts” according to dr Steven Stosny
He writes: “Paradoxical as it may seem, anger—even though it destroys any true peace of mind or sense of well-being—can yet help us to soothe ourselves. Our defensive anger still permits us to achieve a certain comfort. After all, we’re not wrong, or bad, or selfish, or inconsiderate; it’s our spouse, our child, our neighbor, our coworker.”
Anger as the Low Road to Self-Empowerment
“A person or situation somehow makes us feel defeated or powerless, and reactively transforming these helpless feelings into anger instantly provides us with a heightened sense of control. As the title of this article suggests, if anger can make us feel powerful, if it’s the “magic elixir” that seemingly is able to address our deepest doubts about ourselves, no wonder it can end up controlling us. In a sense, it’s every bit as much a drug as alcohol or cocaine. And it’s my strong belief that many, many millions of people worldwide are addicted to anger because of its illusorily empowering aspects.”
So I used to drink when I felt powerless, defeated or hurt now I’m using anger to get the same result!
Need to delve deeper into this. No one said this was going to be easy, this being a grown up stuff.
Hurrah for coffee! 
🙂 Beautiful post. Thank you. I’m thinking this kind of honesty is very important in sobriety, well, it is important to the world. I actually had a lot of anger thingies popping up in early sobriety so I find recognition in what you are saying. And indeed the drowing of the feelings. 😦
What I think to know about anger is that it starts with overwhelm, that is when we fall apart / all the pieces get disconnected / our internal organisation gets screwed. Next is fear over not being able to hold it together and then anger comes in to rearrange us. It is actually a handy emotion to not loose oneselves. Thing is to keep is within the boundaries of the own person, to use is to keep ground or get back the ground that was unrightfully lost to others. Not to step over other peoples borders. Difficult to learn because I’m thinking that most of us just copy the most effective coping strategy they have been thought when it comes to fighting. 😦 And it all goes so quickly when it goes. 🙂 Gheghe. Ok, not funny.
Learning about how anger works within me I also learned what I value high; when my thingies fall apart, there is something I find important. 🙂
Thank you for having the courage to look yourself in the eye and be honest about this to yourself and to write about this so readers can learn. I think the world needs people who are able to do that. 🙂 🙂
And great that you did not continue to drink! How very cool. Congrats on that. 🙂
xx, Feeling
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Thank you, and yes how cool that I’m not drinking! I honestly didn’t enjoy drinking on Saturday and it did NOTHING to provide any solace of relief. I just basically skipped a day that’s all, SO NOT WORTH IT.
It’s so true what say about the overwhelm. I need to learn how to spot the signs before its too late… and it does go quickly when it goes, man it feels like a red mist dawns in an instant. Also what you say about boundries is very true. I need to work on those too! Thank you for checking in on me. I really don’t know what I would have done without the support I get on this blog. xxxxxxxxxx
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🙂 That’s what the blogs are for. 🙂 Yes to the mist. 😦 It has helped me sometimes though; realising that most people are generally afraid of somebody who is pissed of but keeping his/her center has helped me. Practised on my last boss. She was good practice. Unfortunately one never wins from a boss.
xx, Feeling
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Such a raw and honest post, hurrah, and as feelingmyway noted, these types of posts are so important for ourselves and for others to read. 💛
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Yes! This post and the comments has started something in me, a new way look at myself in some ways and understand a liitle bit more and realise that there is so much to learn! But the world is filled with knowledge and now we are able to take it all in. Thank you.
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It is hard to grow up and learn all of the things we missed!
Anger is an interesting emotion.
I find I get angry when I have been hurt, just like your author said!
It is hard, but so important to acknowledge all the ways I am responsible for my actions.
Kuddos to you for doing so!
xo
Wendy
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A truly insightful share on aspects of anger. Recently, in Relapse Prevention Group, I have learned that anger is the default emotion for many alcoholics. This is because experiencing other emotions is just too painful. Guilt, loss of control, shame, fear, apprehension, old memories, what have you. This is a subject that should be discussed more often. And I personally have to thank you for taking ownership in your part of violence in your relationship. Many, many times, none of my friends would believe me when I told them what my EX FROM HELL used to do to me, for well over 2.5 years. I bottled up so much rage for these denials. And, eventually, the court actually found me responsible for our last situation…after I was the one who called the cops. I don’t know if that’s too much disclosure, but I took the hit for that shit. But, I wouldn’t be sober today if I didn’t, so it all worked out in the end. And she, no doubt, is still a vicious and nasty drunk.
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Thank you for sharing Rob. I find the rage thing really scary now that I’m sober and am truly experiencing my own rage in it’s full intensity. Everyone in our life is a mirror to a certain degree. I hear what you are saying. Anger seems like the best choice because at least it doesn’t feel painful, it energises you (sounds weird but that’s how I experience it) But when its over the pain returns and then the guilt and shame is so much worse. ‘The low road to self empowerment’ Life is messy and nothing is black and white. I need to find a new way to be in this world because the old way was so destructive and full of fear. xxx
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I couldn’t have put it any better way. My thoughts are with you as you learn a better way
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