It’s all fun and games till you fall over at the school bingo night

When I woke up it felt like a freight train had hit my head. Something evil had my head in a vice and I couldn’t breathe. My whole body ached and was sore, it felt as if I had been beaten up, my skin was crawling. A message came through on my phone. I couldn’t open both eyes. I read the message: “Hi lovely, just checking that you are ok. you were a little worse for wear last night, a couple of falls at the school gate. Hope you are ok?”

I looked around the room, I was still in my clothes from the night before. Jesus fucking Christ what have I done?

I was desperately trying to piece the night’s events together. Ok, I was at the PTA bingo night, we were all laughing and joking around…and then nothing…a void. Some blurry flashes started coming back…I was on the bathroom floor with my friend. I couldn’t walk. I fell.

I text her back. Fuck!!! Did anyone see me??? All the fucking PTA school mums?

I was in tears, warm alcohol soaked tears that smelt of gin were rolling down my cheeks. Text came back. “No she said, we waited in the bathroom till everyone left.”

It turned out that I was so drunk I couldn’t stand up straight or walk. I fell and knocked my head on the koi pond. I was out cold for 10 minutes while my friend was wondering whether to call an ambulance. Eventually she managed to half carry me to the school shed. She rang another friend to come help carry me over the school gate and put me in a taxi home.

That was it. That was the turning point for me. There is no glossing over that or denying that you have totally lost control over how much you drink when you fall over drunk at your kid’s school.

I’ve had several of those types of moments in my life, and I think it’s true sometimes it takes a couple of rock bottoms to really reach ROCK BOTTOM.

Tonight I went to a quiz night at the school. I really didn’t want to go, but forced myself. I was so nervous, didn’t want to face the memories of that night and I cried all the way there.

As I walked past the koi pond where I fell and knocked my head I saw the lotus flowers in the water.

Something beautiful out of the murky darkness.

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13 thoughts on “It’s all fun and games till you fall over at the school bingo night

  1. It is very brave that you faced something hard and see the potential that has come out of it.
    The hard part about addiction is that we do things that just seem almost incomprehensible…
    You were suffering. And now you are finding your freedom. Beautiful.

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  2. Crikey, you were brave to go back! I don’t think I would have had the balls to do that. Those nights when you KNOW something bad went down, but you can’t recall exactly what are THE WORST. Such a horrible feeling of the unknown, on top of a hangover. Thanks for this post, very honest. It brings it home just how detrimental drinking really is for us folk who can never have enough xxx

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  3. I love the lotus flowers! If that wasn’t a sign of healing and forgiveness, what is? I googled lotus flower and got this Buddhist meaning:

    Patience
    Purity
    Mysticism
    Direct Spiritual Contact
    Emptiness from Desire
    Victory over Attachments
    Enlightenment and the Bodhi State
    Love and Compassion for All Things
    Self-Awareness
    Faithfulness During Spiritual Development
    Rising Out of Suffering

    Congratulations again on rising above ye ole’ koi pond. ; )

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  4. My time like your school time was at yoga.
    It was horrible.
    I went back the next day and apologized to some people who had to deal with me being drunk.
    It was SO uncomfortable!
    It was the turning point for me to get sober, too.
    I am so glad you faced your fears.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yep. Been there and have the t-shirt. I cracked a tooth when I fell at my event though and it serves a daily reminder of the failure and the need to be better.

    I hope you looked at that lotus flower and knew it was there for you. Heck, you deserve a bouquet of beautiful flowers for this journey. Congrats on facing the past and making it through.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You have the falling down drunk T-shirt too?:) I think I was sort of forced to face up to the real state of affairs. Too many things were unravelling at once and I couln’t keep up the facade anymore. More importantly I was TIRED of lying to myself and TIRED of failing to moderate my intake. I really felt like I had been in a boxing ring. xxx

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  6. I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach reading the first part of this post, especially your description of ‘The Fear’ – that moment where you woke up in your clothes thinking wtf had you done … the void … the text from a friend … Yep, resonated a bit too much here, because I remember that feeling so well…

    Well done you though, bloody well done! That’s bravery that is, the going back, and the realisations, and the owning what happened, and the stopping doing it so it doesn’t happen again … Just bloody well done. Apologies for the effing and jeffing, but I felt it warranted it. You are doing brilliantly, a day at a time xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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