So, how bad did it really get?

I need to fully explore and put this into words so that I can refer back to it when I need to. If my history with alcohol has taught me anything is that after a couple of months of sobriety the rosy glow fades. There will come a time when the voice, lets call him “Jack” pops up and says (In the voice of a sleazy salesman):

“Hey girl! You’ve been so good, been sober for x amount of time and you haven’t slipped up once! You’ve shown that you can control it and besides honey, you were never THAT bad! There are so many people in a worse of state with booze than you, I mean you hardly drank during the week! Everyone drinks! Come on, we all deserve to cut loose sometimes, cut yourself some slack. You’re too much of a perfectionist that’s your problem. Have a glass of wine, GO ON HONEY YOU DESERVE IT!

So, how bad was I?

Its true I allowed myself to drink one night of the working week. So I was sober 3 days. This didn’t apply to holidays of course when I was permanently sloshed. The other 4 days of the week I drank as much as I wanted to which was quite a bit. I would say one and half to two bottles of wine on average and then more on weekend and parties, it really all depended how long the drinking session lasted. One weekend I specifically remember I finished almost 1 liter of Gin on a Saturday! We were just having a barbecue at home, stated drinking at 12 and carried on till the early hours of the morning.

Blackouts started happening very regularly I was blacking out almost every time I drank no matter the amount, this scared the shit out of me. I was losing half of my life to a world of which I have to recollection. It was like leading a double life.

From time to time I would get reddish blotchy skin rashes when I drank like I was allergic to alcohol. Rosacea I think it’s called?

I was really paranoid around people in the morning.

Needed to secretly drink when my father in law was here for Christmas. He’s a teetotal and my husband all of a sudden developed an ability to only have one glass of wine?!
So I had to improvise and drank my wine in the shed in the garden.

At social gatherings when everyone was drinking very little or too slowly I’d sneak into the kitchen and take a couple of swigs from whatever bottle was open.

I drank most of my hangovers away with the exception of the Monday hangover wich was complete and utter hell to get through.

Couldn’t stand people who didn’t drink or that drank very little! I thought they were ‘holier than thou’ boring idiots.

I was in a constant state of stress because I was withdrawing from the last binge so I was dog tired.

I was obsessed with drinking to the detriment of everything and everyone else around me. I was either recovering from my hangover or planning my next session. My life really did revolve around it.

I used to wake up with bruises, didn’t know how I got them.

I’m sure there’s more, I’ll add it as and when I remember it.

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11 thoughts on “So, how bad did it really get?

  1. Eeek, that sounds so much like me – except that I drank every night. Had to laugh at your sneaking to the shed to drink – I would sneak out to the barn or downstairs to the basement in those types of situations. I drank out of other peoples cups often “oops! thought that was my drink hahaha…” And I blacked out often… very often, which scared the shit out of me too – yes it is definitely like living a double life!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The way to have put together what “Jack” says is spot on. He says the same to me if less frequently now and I can usually shut him up quite quickly.

    Your drinking sound exactly like mine. I used wake up with burst blood vessels in my eyes which would take days to go – it was really horrible. I also wet the bed a few times which I am mortified to admit.

    You are doing great !xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Uff. Yeah. I recognise way too much of this to feel comfortable. It was a combination of two of these things that made me realise it was now or never. The basement drinking/hiding/secretive drinking had started to happen for me as well and that had always been one of those things I used as an excuse: “Well at least I’m not one of those real alcoholics that have secret stashes of wine/alcohol in the garage/basement/closet, I’d never stoop to that!”. And then I was. And the blackouts. Just as you they started to become the norm and just as you they didn’t really correlate with the amount I drank. I just blacked out. Every time. Terrible day for the world and I’m feeling down this morning so I’m getting back into the sober blogs as a precaution. Have a good day, ladies! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I am amazed at the sheer number of blackouts others have… I thought it was just me. Sad but not sad. Glad I’m not alone and glad no one can see the tears coming out of my eyes to think I’m not alone!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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