Been ill with chest infection this weekend.
I used to dose myself up with medicine as well as generous amounts of whiskey if I was feeling like this. That would account for the cravings I felt this weekend. I’m not used to feeling the full extent of illness as I’ve always just drank it away.
It’s weird to feel and be aware of everything. It actually feels quite trippy.
I have never allowed myself to feel uncomfortable or sad or happy or shitty or much of anything because I drank it all away. Never really felt life fully, just a dulled version of it.
So this time I was sick and felt shit without plying myself with alcohol and it wasnt great but I survived it. At least I didn’t have hangovers to contend with and woke up in a good place mentally.
Alcohol was truly medicinal for me. It soothed me if I was sad, it dulled the pain of my despair. It ‘seemed’ to soothe the depression which it was actually causing.
Very insidious and dangerous substance this ethanol stuff!