Change

My husband couldn’t sleep last night, he is stressed and at the end of his tether. He’s frustrated with his job and it all sort of surprise exploded onto our breakfast table this morning.

I completely lost the plot and got pretty hysterical, it feels like we’ve been here so many times before. I went into my usual fight or flight mode and jumped online to start looking for full-time jobs to take the heat off him being the main breadwinner.

I was scared. I was thinking catastrophic thoughts like: What if I cant find anything, what if what I find is a shitty job I hate for very little pay? What if i have no time and more stress? How will I stay sober if I’m under all this awful pressure. What if this new path takes me to rejection and failure. How will I cope without my wine then?

Then something changed in me. I knew this day would come. Our youngest has just started school & I wanted to start earning more money anyway doing my own thing. This is just a wake up call a kick up the backside to make that happen more quickly! To be frank I think I’m the kind of person that needs a crisis point to provide the impetus to change.

Sure I may fail. Maybe I wont make enough money with my  ‘work from home’ thing to keep us going. Maybe I’ll have to take a shitty 9 to 5 in London for very little money and not see my children. At least I’ll be sober to deal with the stress. I’ll be better equipped to handle the pressure because I wont be battling my hangover and my addiction all the time.

You see how the thinking is actually at the root of the problem? My first thought is what if it’s all a disaster and I’m under all the stress how will I cope without my wine? Jeeeeesus! I will cope just fine thank you very much in fact if I had my wine it would ensure that I wont cope. The crutch alcohol provides is an illusion, its riddled with wood worm!

So onwards and upwards I say, let the chips fall where they may. All I can do is try my best and stay clean sober and strong!

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